March 28, 2005
Headgames On The Stairs
Picture a stairwell about five feet wide, just the right size for one person to go up and another go down without having to get out of each other's way. There's a landing at each floor and halfway in between each floor. At the floor there are two doors to exit the stairway; if you are on the stairway, the left door is propped open. There's a man with a gun there. No, I'm just kidding about that last part. It's a woman. No, it's not, there's no gun, just what should sound like a rather typical stairwell that most people have encountered dozens, perhaps hundreds of times. So, why is it people seem to have trouble with the simple, ancient process of using the stairs?
Two weeks ago, I've got my hands full and walk through the open door to the stairwell, only to find two men walking up the stairs side-by-side. Now, maybe I'm alone in thinking that the stairs were designed for one side to walk up and one to go down simultaneously; I've not actually taken a course in stair management. So I walk to the top of the stairs so I can go down, but neither one seems inclined to shift out of the way so that someone can pass them. Why is a mystery to me. They're not talking, which would at least make this somewhat understandable; we are accustomed to walking side-by-side with people when we're walking and talking. Maybe they were in love, and this was the only way they felt comfortable expressing it in public.
So, seeing that they weren't going to take the hint, I backed up off the landing to the open doorway, in case they were continuing to go up. Now, up until then I could dismiss this as simply not-thinking, but this next bit truly surprised me. They reach the top of the stairs and stand there, looking at me. Then I realize they want me to move out of the doorway to exit the stairwell. Let me point out again: there is a door right next to me they can walk through. It's not locked, there's nothing that says you can't open it, and what's more, it's on their right, which in America is the side you should be on anyway. Even more surprising is it’s actually closer to them than the door I’m standing in. But rather than walk through this door, they stand there until I, getting a little tired with all the stuff I'm carrying, move myself and my burden out of the doorway so that they can walk through without having to do something so reprehensible as touching a door.
I noted this behavior mentally as something to think about, because it seemed so bizarre. Well, apparently that was a mistake, because it happened once again. Two women this time, talking this time, except they were walking up in a slightly staggered pattern, so that one could probably easily have slipped behind the other if someone were coming, except the one in the lead was on the left rather than the right. In this case, slipping over to the left side quick enough for the pass seemed too risky (again, hands full). So I back up again to the open door... and again, they would rather stand there and wait for me to move out of the way rather than touch the door.
Now, we have here two instances of the same behavior, different genders, different actions, but same exact refusal to open the door. Since there was nothing physically preventing them from opening the door, the reason has to solely exist in the minds of these four people. Was it because of the door? Was a shut door an obstacle in and of itself, something they couldn't think of opening if it was at all possible to avoid? Or was it, in fact, me? Was it a conscious or subconscious desire to demonstrate some kind of dominance over me by forcing me to step aside for them? To call upon my psychology courses from college, was it a psychological blindspot preventing them from considering the door, or was this, to quote Freud, "people acting like a couple of asshats?"
As I contemplated this on my trip down the stairs, I encounter a second group, two women walking side-by-side in conversation. This time there was nowhere for me to go, so I stopped. They stopped. It was a standoff. I could see them trying to wrap their minds around this serious dilemma; clearly they couldn't ask me to travel up to the previous landing and stand out of their way so that they might continue unimpeded. And yet, to stand aside for this guy... I mean, he's nobody! He's got to be nobody, or he wouldn't be walking alone on the stairwell! You stand aside for a nobody, it's a sign of weakness, and others will pounce. By lunchtime people will be stealing the furniture out of your cubicle. Your male co-workers will call you "doll" and maybe grab at your ass while the female ones will shun you for knuckling under. The tension was high, either choice spelled disaster, yet the situation must be faced. Throw in a time-traveling space Nazi and it could have been an episode of Enterprise.
Eventually, the woman in front of me stepped back and behind her colleague, the conversation terminated in mid-sentence. I got the same vibe you get off Cobra Commander as he promises he'll be back with a new and better plan, even though you've won this day. They continued up the stairs in total silence, as if on their way to a funeral. It wasn't my concern, I have real things to worry about, rather than the headgames of other people on the stairs.
I should really think of just taking the elevator.
Posted by Chuck at 06:55 PM | Comments (1)
March 26, 2005
Time To Make The Donuts!
I am a cynical, jaded, left-leaning atheist bastard from New York.
There, I said it.
I was actually surprised that Phil asked me to contribute to his news site thingy. "Phil," I said, "What could a cynical, jaded, left-leaning atheist bastard from New York like me possibly contribute to your news site thingy?"
Phil considered for a while before giving me a one-word answer that was at once both concise and profound. I'll reveal what he said at the end of this post.
So, obviously, I decided to take Phil up on his offer to scrawl graffiti on his website. I don't know what I'm going to talk about and it certainly won't be consistent. I could go off on tangents. I could even go off on sines and cosines. You never know where I may go, because this is The Donut Shoppe...from hell!
Before I go on, I would also like to mention that I am a part of TEH EVAL LIBERAL MEDIA. No, I don't work for the New York Times, but I do work in the Graphics department at MSNBC (where I am currently writing this), a bastion of leftist parrots and liberal whackos such as Chris Matthews, Joe Scarborough and soon, Tucker Carlson. Obviously an ivory tower where Michael Moore would feel right at home.
Did I mention sarcastic? I think I might have forgotten.
I think that's enough boring crap for now, so let's get to the actual reason why I'm here: to generate hatemail by boldly stating my opinions.
Terri Schiavo no longer exists. Her body is, quite literally, a mindless husk and should be allowed to die peacefully. The Christian Right is ruthlessly exploiting her situation and her family as a political tool to push their own ideological agenda. The war in Iraq was started based on a lie but has had some tangible positive outcomes. That doesn't make George W. Bush any less of a lying douche. The Christian Right has far, far too much power in this country and they constantly cry oppression in their bid to get even more. If Britney Spears is allowed to get married and divorced in 55 hours, then I don't see any reason why gays shouldn't. The Bible is not a viable source of morality or law. It is an archaic book of fables and myths with a historical underpinning.
I think I've offended enough people. I can already smell the wave of comments calling me naïve or a traitor or some shit like that.
"Phil," I said, "What could a cynical, jaded, left-leaning atheist bastard like me possibly contribute to your news site thingy?"
"Donuts."
Makes sense to me.
Posted by Dalton at 02:01 PM | Comments (6)
March 23, 2005
Possible Source for Schiavo "Talking Points"
ABC News is reporting a story under the title "GOP Talking Points on Terri Schiavo." This is based on a Sunday Washington Post article by Mike Allen which states the following:In a memo distributed only to Republican senators, the Schiavo case was characterized as "a great political issue" that could pay dividends with Christian conservatives, whose support is essential in midterm elections such as those coming up in 2006ABC News gives the impression that this is an official GOP produced memo. Aside from having the wrong bill number, no signature, or letterhead, why should a major news reporter expect the public to believe its veracity? Mike Allen had this to say about the source for the memo in an online Q&A:
The memo is unsigned. Because of the conditions under which it was provided to us, we frustratingly cannot tell our readers all that we know about its provenance. But I would not have put it in an article if I were not certain of its authenticity and relevance – i.e., senators had it on the floor.Translation: Believe it because he says so. And what's with the cloak and dagger overtones? He's talking about a talking points memo not classified documents. However, the Traditional Values Coalition's website has a page with the same text as the memo but the correct bill number. The coalition urges people to email this to their congressman via their website but with the following caveat:
Please note, the article will NOT be automatically inserted or referenced in your letter. You must copy and paste it or give them the web page URL yourself. (source)Here is a screencap (click to enlarge)
While some senators may have had this memo on the floor of the Senate, it does not appear that it was distributed by the GOP as the ABC article would seem to indicate but rather because of a concerted effort by a lobbyist group.
UPDATE (8:00 AM): The story was originally from another ABC News report from Saturday, March 19th and not a Washington Post article as written above. ABC News passed the memo to the Post and not the other way around.
A timeline of the story can be found here.
Posted by Skayhan at 06:23 AM | Comments (0)
March 21, 2005
Dawn of the Cheeseheads
At last comes the anniversary of the release of the remake of the classic horror flick (...carry the one...), Dawn of the Dead. The re-make, set in my home state of Wisconsin, is an update on the orignal with a few variations. The story is of the recently dead returning to life and attacking the living in an attempt to consume their flesh. Of course, a little suspension of disbelief is involved. It has a black police officer in Wisconsin.
Kidding!
It's wonderful, of course, that Hollywood chose to set a movie like this in Wisconsin, and to not paint the residents as yokels; there's a Hollywood law that requires that if a film isn't set in a few certain American locations, the locals must be inbred hicks who speak with Southern accents... even if it's in Washington). However, the film runs into some trouble because, in their efforts to avoid the stereotyping, they seem to have disregarded the setting entirely. Let me offer a parallel with a typical film form of recreation: surfing. It's easy to dismiss this bit of fun, when you're from an area where it's impossible to surf, as the domain of blond-haired doofuses, so films often show businessmen, engineers, etc, participating to show that this stereotype isn't the case. Fine, I'll believe it. So why is it, then, that films can't show other things in such a light? Why is it only rednecks who hunt and fish for the most part, when in reality people of varying incomes and educations do it in real life? I only bring it up because of some of the deficiencies of plot that come up. You see, odds are if you pick a male Wisconsinite at random, they would have at least one of the following: gun (for hunting), boat (for fishing), SUV/Pick-up (for hauling and off-roading), or ATV, dirtbike, or snowmobile (for off-roading too). Odds are you may have several of them, and this is the key part, even if you live in a major city. For certain key weekends, the roads are jammed with people of all backgrounds, including differences of race, gender, income, etc, heading to the best places for hunting, fishing, boating, etc. It's a cultural part of the state in the same way that standing on a piece of fiberglass in the ocean is a cultural part of California.
Now, I bring this up because it speaks a bit to some of the plot points of the film. For one thing, not one person in the film has a rifle/shotgun for hunting. Poppycock. That many people, there should be, at absolute minimum, three. But the major issue is the rich jerk and his yacht that's the key to the escape. Folks, even my brother has his own boat, and this guy has to write out a check to pay for a pack of cigarettes. Granted, it's no yacht, but why does it have to be? You're not talking about the ocean here, you're talking a lake, and even if you don't own a boat, there are boats all over the place with "for sale" signs up that, can be used (and I'm not talking about row boats, just so you understand). Saying you own a boat in Wisconsin is like saying you own skis if you live in Colorado, or an umbrella if you live in Seattle, or a politician if you live in New York.
But where the issue of local color really comes into play is in the special features section. There's an interesting fake news account of the descent into madness as the situation worsens and worsens. It has a cameo appearance by Earl from the Joe Schmo Show declaring martial law, which was hysterical to me. The news man really delivers a, shall we say, um, bad, yes, bad is the word I'm looking for, performance. He starts out by announcing that what had originally been reported as a race riot in Madison was actually an error. No kidding. If you told someone here that there's either a race riot in Madison or the bodies of the recently dead are returning to life and feasting on the living, they'd ask how recently you were talking. After that they'd ask you if you were allowed to hunt the recently dead for sport, and if you needed a license. Unfortunately, that would create a severe dilemma, because there's a firm belief in eating your kill, and that could get seriously ugly since Jeffrey Dahmer's no longer around to help us Wisconsinites out on this one. But getting back, a race riot in Madison? Anything after that is mundane, including man-eating zombies. That, in fact, should have been how it was handled. "What was originally considered a race riot has actually been revealed to merely be an outbreak of living dead. Residents are advised to collect beer and tags from the corner bait shop."
I will say, all joking aside, that while Wisconisin isn't the melting pot of the world, there's a large number of what is called in the media "minority races." Largely we don't think about it much here because, first off, you're so bundled up in the arctic winds blowing out of Canada you couldn't tell if someone next to you was a Wookiee, nevermind a different race. Second, you are far more likely to suffer from prejudice over your football team than over anything so mundane as where you or your ancestors came from. You can come from any nation on Earth, visibly sporting types of diseases scientists haven't gotten around to naming, that's okay so long as you like the green and gold. But if you come from Minnesota in your f**king Vikings jersey with it's f**king purple and white colors, why the hell don't you and your kind just go back where you came from! We don't need your type around here, trying to take our jobs so you can get money to buy more of your purple and white f**king Vikings shit. It's against the natural order....
Anyway, the fake news report also included a short speech by the president which cracked me up, because it included the famous Roosevelt quote: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." So, we don't have to fear being eaten in our beds by mindless zombies? Whew, what a load off that is!
Still, as far as zombie movies go, this satisfied me, and despite some of the bits that got a chuckle, the special features were quite good as well. So, if you want to see a mob of crazed people in cheesehats attacking, but don't much care for football, check out Dawn of the Dead.
Posted by Chuck at 10:01 PM | Comments (0)
Out of Place Protesters?
This past weekend was the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. In celebration of that event, various goups came out to "party". However, not all of the participants were there to protest the war. In fact, some seemed to have made the proverbial wrong turn in Albuquerque. Here are a few of them.
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In California, no opportunity is missed to pay homage (no matter how poor or subtle) to a great Hollywood movie. |
From Rhode Island. At least this woman has a legitimate gripe. Rove's evil is truly all-emcompassing! |
Also from R.I. is this refugee from over the rainbow. She's not sure of the name of the girl who stole and sold her property on Ebay, but she is certain the girl voted for Bush. |
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MORE WITCHES!! |
These two are apparently upset that the U.S. wasn't quite harsh enough. "There's no diplomatic problem that a few megatons can't solve." |
| Make special note of the man carrying the "Women in Black" sign. |
Doesn't hurt that the girl is cute.
Posted by Skayhan at 04:14 AM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2005
Another Case of Forged Documents
In yesterday's Washington Post, Howard Kurtz writes about an apparent hoax that attempts to implicate NBC reporter William Arkin.The Pentagon says the supposed Defense Intelligence Agency cable is a forgery. Arkin says it's "chilling" and is demanding an investigation. The NBC News military analyst says he became aware of the bogus document when a Washington Times reporter called about the spying allegation and sent him a copy. ...Bill Gertz, the Times national security reporter who called Arkin, did not respond to two messages. Managing Editor Francis Coombs said: "We don't talk about stories we haven't put in the paper. But at this point, we do not have a story scheduled to run."This section in the article strikes an odd chord:
Arkin cited several technical reasons why the cable is fake, mainly having to do with military addresses and abbreviations, and a reference to "proctor canular procedures." Canular, he discovered through a Google translation service, means hoax in French. In a letter to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Arkin said: "I am extremely concerned that someone familiar with Defense Department classified reporting has forged this document and given it to the press in the hope that it would be reported as genuine. Such an action raises deeply troubling questions about the integrity of the department's processes and raises the possibility of an organized effort to intimidate me as a journalist."The two bolded sections would seem to be in opposition. Now this may be due to Kurtz's choice in quoting Arkin, or rather, what he chose not to quote: Why Arkin assumes that this forgery originated in the Defense Department, given that he says the addresses and abbreviations used are incorrect. Also:
Gertz and Arkin have tangled before. Gertz co-authored a Washington Times column last month saying that Gen. Richard Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, had ordered an investigation of "possible national security damage" from Arkin's book. Arkin called that report "a complete fabrication."From the way Kurtz writes this article, Arkin's concerned letter should have been written to the Washington Times and not the Defense Department. Perhaps the documents should be released for the public to see for themselves. As was seen in the Bush TANG forgeries, it is always possible to track things like this back to the source. Unlike Rathergate, the phrase "fake but accurate" will never be used in this instance.
Posted by Skayhan at 10:50 AM | Comments (2)
March 16, 2005
The New Bugs Bunny
In case you hadn't heard, Bugs Bunny isn't hip enough for today's youth so the WB Network is going to re-imagine the long-standing icon into an "extreme" version of itself. If you're like me, there are some things that shouldn't be messed around with (like Han Solo shooting first) lest you raise the collective ire of your fanbase. Of course, if the intended "Loonatics" is anything resembling the animation linked to in the pic below, I'll definately watch that show.Parents, cover your kids' ears before clicking the link below; Bugs has a more colorful vocabulary than you might be accustomed to.
Final thought: Bugs seems to have a fascination for what Chuck has an aversion to.
Posted by Skayhan at 10:23 PM | Comments (1)
Day of the Hat
ASVS-HN is proud to present another excerpt from the soon to be New York Times bestseller, At Least I Got Paid: An Insider's Perspective on the Kerry Campaign for President.Chapter 7: Day of the Hat On Thursday, July 29th, still trailing in the polls, John Kerry was about to take the stage for the final night of the Democratic National Convention in Boston to give the most important speech of his political career. The eyes of America would be tuning in to see the official introduction of the Democratic nominee for President and to learn his vision for the next four years. The stakes couldn't possibly be higher. Perhaps that explains why Kerry decided to put in the "fix". Earlier that afternoon, Kerry and his staff had just finished putting the final touches on his speech. Locked away in Kerry's suite, they had trimmed it down to just under an hour by tightening up the language and delivery. To do any more would subtract from the message they needed to get across to the nation. Confident that all was set for a momentous kick-off to the final stretch of the campaign, the writers and advisors were about to head to the bar for a few and then relax before the night's main event. They were almost to the door when Kerry stopped them. "There is still something missing," he said. Puzzled, Bob Schrum responded, "I don't see what it might be. We hit all the major points and many of the minor ones. Anything else would be dragging the speech out too long and we run the risk of viewers tuning out." Kerry smiled. "Don't worry Bob, it's not the speech. The speech is perfect and I can't thank all of you enough for your hard work and dedication. What I am talking about has to do with adding something to what I will be wearing this evening." The group visibly relaxed, most assumed that he intended to adorn his lapel with the yellow ribbon that had come to be a popular symbol of supporting the troops in Iraq. It would be an excellent touch. It was also flatly wrong. "I'm going to wear the Hat," the Senator stated simply. Jill Alper, who had worked on previous campaigns for Kerry, muttered "Oh no, not now." Foreign affairs advisor, Randy Beers asked, "I'm sorry, the what?" "You know, my lucky hat, the one that CIA guy gave to me when I was in Vietnam. I've told you all about that," Kerry explained. "Yes, but sir," Steve Elmendorf intoned, "I'm not sure that wearing a hat, even a lucky one, is such a good idea, especially for the most important speech of your life." "But it's not just a lucky hat," added Kerry, his eyes widening in excitement, "it's a magic hat. Here, let me show you." As the Presidential hopeful crossed the room to the bed where his briefcase lay, Alper made an attempt to deflect the strange direction the meeting had suddenly taken. "Senator, perhaps we could discuss this later," she suggested, adding sotto voce, "in private." But John Kerry was not to be deterred. "It's all right, I can trust them. After all, they trust me to be the next President of the United States." Brushed aside, Alder stepped back to watch helplessly as the tragedy unfolded before her. With his back to the campaign staff, Kerry opened his briefcase and reached deep inside a pocket no one had ever seen him delve into. He then lowered his head while his hands made a downward motion on both sides towards his ears. He quickly spun around to face the confused group (only Mary-Beth Cahill seemed unaffected and was nodding sagely) and with a smile beaming widely on his face asked, "See?" "I don't see a thing, Mr. Kerry," Shrum accused. "Of course you don't," Kerry gleefully replied, " I told you, it's a magic hat and only I can see or feel it." Beers suddenly burst out laughing. "I get it! You're busting our chops! Trying to break the tension for tonight's speech. Come one, 'fess up!" But Kerry turned deathly serious. "When I was behind Bill Weld in 1996, no one thought I could come back and win. I was written off as a loser before the first vote was even cast. So one day I was rummaging through some old stuff when I came across the hat. For sentimental reasons, I put it on. Well, for one reason or another, I became distracted and forgot that I had put it on. I even went out campaigning that day wearing it and no one said anything to me. It was only when I got home that night that I realized that the Hat was still on my head. Angry, I called up Jill and demanded to know why she let me make speeches wearing this hat. She said, and I'll never forget the sound of confusion in her voice, 'What hat?' "At that moment, the evening news came on highlighting some of my remarks that day. When they showed me speaking, there didn't appear to be anything on my head. But I looked in the mirror and there it was! I was completely bewildered and relayed this to Jill. Wisely she made the suggestion that we keep this to ourselves for the time being. "The next day the polls came out and I was "magically" neck and neck with Weld. I decided to conduct a little experiment over the following weeks. When not wearing the hat, I would slip in the polls but I would gain when I did. This hat won me that election and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise." Shrum was visibly agitated. "You're serious about this?" "How do you think I won the primaries over Dean and all the favorable media coverage he had? Do you believe that infamous scream of his was just a coincidence? I've talked to Howard about that. He has no idea how that came out of his mouth. He told me it was as if someone else had taken control over him. I know what it was: it was the hat. It makes things happen." One of the advisors was aghast. "This is insane! Believing in a magic hat is like believing in the tooth fairy or leprechauns." "Leprechauns!" Kerry snorted, "if only I had some of them! Someday maybe Mary-Beth can tell you the real source of the Kennedy fortune or the reason they keep winning elections." Feeling all eyes turning on her in wonder, Cahill said, "Sorry, I can't. That wouldn't be ethical." Kerry saw that his staff's nerves were frayed by his revelation and tried to allay their concerns. "Look, I know this is a lot to take in. But you have to believe in the hat. Trust me, when we're standing victorious on November 2nd, you'll be glad you did. "Now go on and grab a drink somewhere. You've earned it. I hear that there's even a beer called Magic Hat. See," he said to his cultural advisor, "I have been keeping up with my studies. "And relax," Kerry said pointing to where the hat supposedly rested on his head, "tonight, our campaign, and the nation are well in hand." While Cahill and Alder decided to stay for a moment alone with the Senator, the rest of the staff, trying to look like they were merely leaving and not fleeing, quickly exited the suite and ran to the nearest bar where many a "toast" was made to the magic hat. In a way, some of the advisors never left that bar. A staff member reflected on the internal damage caused. "After what many of us call 'The Day of the Hat', it was never the same. I mean we just couldn't look at the man the way we used to. And that effect showed up in the poll numbers. People who were later replaced were actually relieved and those who stayed on found their own ways to cope. I pretty much stayed drunk for the remainder of the campaign."
Posted by Skayhan at 06:24 PM | Comments (0)
March 15, 2005
Non-Blogging Assholes
So I’m sitting around, casually sorting through the collection of emails I have, which I enjoy dividing into boobs, all anal, really all anal, just a little anal, virus protection, spyware protection, fraud protection, anal protection, and stuff from Nigeria before I toss it all unread into the waste bin, when I notice a letter from Phil. I pause, then I take a moment to assess the possibilities for what the letter contained. Finally, one hand held protectively over my anus, I open the mail. With relief I see it’s just a friendly letter that’s not asking me for money or, for that matter, showing me a money shot.
That’s really all I ask of my email, you know? To not have to see someone’s ass.
Phil asks me to write for his website, which I immediately consider because, having known him for several years on ASVS, I know he a) follows through on stuff, and b) is one of the small number of people I’ve met on the net that’s actually funny. But one thing struck me in his letter that solidified the deal, and I hope he doesn’t mind me including it, because I am.
“I’m not looking for it to become a blog.”
Sold!
So why, you may ask, was that so damn important? Do I have something against blogging? Am I an anti-blogger? A blogger-flogger, if you will? Certainly not! But it’s something I want nothing to do with. To follow the point from earlier: I’m not opposed to anal sex; I’m just opposed to it going on with me being involved in some way, whether as casual observer or participant. I have certain views when it comes to my anus and to the anus, anuses, or ani (depending on your preferred spelling of the plural) of other people, which is that I hope not to view them, or involve the intimate interaction of them. Other people and their anuses are free to go about their own business, however, with my blessings, provided their business isn’t doing their business in my yard.
Likewise, I have no interest in blogging.
Why not? you may be asking, to which I can only respond: this is a computer screen, it can’t talk back. However, anticipating your question, I’ll answer it by saying that a blog strikes me as being a creative black hole, sucking the witticism out of you by demanding that you be interesting every single day. I’m not that interesting of a person, or not in that quantity, or even in the appropriate medium. I can have a good chuckle at the idea of redubbing all the clone troopers, Jango, and Boba Fett with the voice of Ray Romana (“No, Debra, I don’t want to go out to Vader’s ship. Caaaause... he always makes me stand next to the guys with the freaky heads, and I hate that. And then I have go out in the garbage and the ship gets all dirty...”) but what use is that in a blog?
What’s more, a lot of people use a blog as kind a storage place for their thoughts and feelings about things. The thing of it is, most people’s thought are about as interesting as the currency activity of the Albanian lek. That’s why I want people to understand my feelings about blogs, because it’s very easy to be offended when someone is mocking it, because they’re mocking the sum total of your life, of your existence, of what you feel is important. How can you not take that personally? But I would be a complete hypocrite if I flip around the internet and say to myself “This guy could be hired out to masochists who’ve become bored with whips,” only to start a blog myself and tell you about my feelings on Margery and how she’s a total bitch because she like so totally kissed the bosses ass today I like just couldn’t stand it I wanted to scream.
So I’m not going to.
Besides, I just read an article about all kinds of people getting fired from their jobs because of their blogging, usually because they comment on their work. I don’t know the details, nor do I care, frankly. Maybe they were being dicks, maybe their bosses were being dicks, all I know is, I want to be very wary of dicks, especially given my concern about my anus and all.
So, what is this, if not a blog? Well, as I see it, there are four reasons people come on the internet. One is to shop, two is to discuss things with people, three is to find information, and lastly is to be entertained. This last point is what this column will be about. It’s not a promise that it will always be entertaining, but it will always try. Maybe it will be about my thought, but only if I think they might be entertaining. Maybe it will be about my experiences, but only if I think they’re entertaining. If I go to the dentist and get a root canal, I won’t tell you I did and then say it hurt, because you don’t need me to say the obvious and call it entertainment, but I’m sure you’d like me to say the obvious in an entertaining way. To me, that’s the key point missing from many blogs.
What do I think is entertainment then? Well, in the weeks ahead I’ll talk to you about the psyche of people on staircases, the first major zombie movie set here in Wisconsin, and earthquake weaponry. It may also involve George Bush wearing a funny hat. In other words, a very broad scope of things. But it will not contain blogs and it will not contain anuses.
Just me. A non-blogging asshole.
Posted by Chuck at 11:51 PM | Comments (1)
Over the Lips and Past the Gums
(Editor's note: This was originally posted on Feb 27th.)From the forthcoming book, At Least I Got Paid: An Insider's Perspective on the Kerry Campaign for President, ASVS-HN is proud to present the following excerpt:
Chapter 2: Amongst the Heathen
Before John Kerry hit the primary campaign trail, his handlers felt some education on the customs and traditions of the American people would be to his benefit. A studious man, Kerry made swift progress in the program learning about such things as coupons, flannel, parking meters, and sports; real sports. Of course, he faired better in some subjects than others."Ahh beer!" Kerry said in apparent recognition of the word. Yet his gaze remained warily fixated on the 12oz container, as if half-expecting it to suddenly throttle him. The instructor, having seen this numerous times before, simply waited for the penny to drop. He had long since learned to allow Kerry a period of adjustment to new stimuli. Surreptitiously, he glanced to his watch as the seconds ticked by in silence. Any moment now, the Kerry advisor thought. "What does it do?" "It doesn't do anything," he frowned briefly. He had to give it to the Senator, his questions were nuanced. "Well, actually it does. You see it..." "Provides a source of cheap, low emission, renewable energy?" the presidential hopeful suggested eagerly. "No. And depending on the brand, definitely not low emission." "There are different brands of this...beer?" "Correct. The main breakdown of beer would be to divide the brands into domestic and imported beer." "We import beer from other countries?" "Yes, some are quite popular, but let us return to...." "I understand. Your showing me that America is perfectly capable of producing this...beer," Kerry found that repeating new words helped make them sound more natural if he was unexpectedly required to use them, "but because of Bush's poor trade policies, foreign competitors have gained a foothold in the marketplace, pushing up our trade deficit to record numbers, and leading to higher unemployment as American companies outsource production of beer to countries where it would be cheaper for them to make while the greedy corporate giants receive a fat tax cut for hurting the working American." The advisor steepled his hands as he touched the bridge of his nose as he realized that this was to be a most difficult lesson. "No," he stated firmly. "No?" Kerry's brow furrowed in thought. "No," he gently repeated. "Now I'm confused." "That's all right. Confusion is natural and to be expected at a time like this. We got way ahead of ourselves here. So let's go back to what beer is. Beer, simply put, is an achoholic beverage popular with the American people." "So you drink it." Noting that it was a statement and not a query, the advisor knew he should seize the momentum and quickly move to the more difficult phase of the day's lesson. "I would like you to drink that beer." "Now?" there was fear at the edge of that voice, "but there are no glasses." "You won't need one." Incredulous, Kerry asked, "You mean I'm to drink this directly from the bottle? With my lips? Barbaric!" A stern voice answered, "Mister Kerry, if you want to be accepted by the people of this nation whom you wish to serve as the next President of the United States, you must appear to understand them and relate to their culture. If you learn nothing else today, you must realize that sometimes you must do the difficult things; actions that you would normally find abhorrent, such as this, in order to attain your goals. Now pick up that bottle and drink the beer!" Ever the good student, without hesitation, Kerry did as he was instructed. His face screwing up as the bitter brew passed over his tongue and down his throat. Abruptly placing the bottle back on the table, Kerry breathed deeply and quickly as if he had been drowning. "Did....I...do..it...all...right." "Yes, yes, you did fine," the advisor assured him, "but I need you to do it again." "Already?" "Listen to me closely. This is important. This means something." Kerry nodded in acquiescence. "And this time try to control your expression so it looks like your enjoying your beer." An hour and a half later, Kerry had managed to finish his first beer. He had even gotten to the point where it appeared as if he didn't hate it which, as far as the advisor was concerned, was great progress. Acting on impulse, he summoned the campaign manager, Mary-Beth Cahill. "What do you have scheduled for tonight?" We have a rally in Steubenville and before that a photo-op with some steel workers." "Perfect," and turning to the Senator asked, "Do you feel up to drinking a beer in public in front of a camera... Mr. President?" It never hurt to appeal to Kerry's ambition. "I'll do what it takes to gain the trust of the American people," he stated firmly.
But nothing presented more of a challenge to his advisors than acclimating the soon-to-be Presidential Nominee to America's adult beverage of choice. "What is it?" Kerry asked, eyeing the brown bottle on the table before him with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion. "A bottle of beer," his teacher explained evenly. Afterward, Cahill approached the advisor for his impression of Kerry's performance. "Not bad," he surmised, "Not great, but passable. Of course, tomorrow may be even more difficult." "Why?" Cahill asked, "what are you covering tomorrow?" "Draft beer."
Posted by Skayhan at 09:10 PM | Comments (0)
March 13, 2005
Drinking is NOT a Right
(The following is a bit of a rant)
Neither the U.S. Constitution nor any of the 50 state constitutions include the line "the rights of an individual to imbibe alcoholic beverages shall not be infringed." In fact, states have sole regulatory power over intoxicating liquors (via the 21st Amendment) and often set stringent policies on who can be served. These include widely-known laws such as individuals must be a certain age (almost nationally 21) and not already intoxicated.
But not as well known is that besides being at least 21 years old, you must be able to prove it via a valid piece of identification. Even lesser known is that regardless of age, most states require identification to be provided when attempting to be served an alcoholic beverage.
Tavern and liquor store owners are also given wide discretion over serving a person even when they satisfy all the above conditions.
To sum up today's Civics lesson, this means that when your 30 year-old dumb ass bellies up to the the bar and you come off with an attitude when your ID is requested, roll your blood-shot eyes while the odor of your "natural high" wafts gently through the air (much like a wet fart in church after an all night eating frenzy courtesy of Tom's Taco Takeout would), slap down a piece of plastic with more duct tape on it than my old '76 Dodge Dart , or politely ask, "Now give me a fuckin' Lon Gisland Ice Tea," guess what?
You're not going to get a damn thing.
Also, if your girlfriend wasn't served and you were, passing a drink to her will get you, her, and everyone else you're with booted (nevermind the fact that you had a bottle of Paul Mason Brandy hidden at the table with you). And if that's the sort of "oppression" that makes you and your peoples [sic] want to start a riot in an establishment by rushing up behind the manager to strike her with a large Weiss goblet (18oz, 3.1 lbs. empty), throwing fists at the employees of the bar trying to stop you from leaving the premises with alcoholic beverages, throwing said drinks while screaming profanities and racial epithets, you need to grow the hell up.
Do you really consider the county lock-up the finishing touch to a successful night on the town? The phrase "dumber than dirt" doesn't even begin to cover it.
And don't even get me started on featured bout of the evening: Super Hood versus Mega Redneck.
-Phil (still finding pieces of glass on his person)
Posted by Skayhan at 10:57 AM
March 11, 2005
HR 1121: Repeal of the Byrd Amendment
From Yahoo NewsWASHINGTON, March 10 /PRNewswire/ -- Members of the Consuming Industries Trade Action Coalition (CITAC) applauded Reps. Jim Ramstad (R-MN) and Clay Shaw (R-FL) for their introduction of HR 1121 that would repeal the "Continued Dumping and Subsidy Offset Act," commonly referred to as the "Byrd Amendment."The Byrd Amendment has been used as a protectionist tariff against foreign products, most notably Canadian lumber. Besides its failure to justify the duties under NAFTA and to the WTO, a CBO report from last year found that the Byrd Amendment "has an overall negative effect on the U.S. economy by encouraging the filing of dumping and countervailing duty cases and discouraging settlements". (21 ITR 452, 3/11/04) President Bush has also included a request to repeal the amendment in his 2005 Budget submitted to Congress. Aside from ending a true case of corporate welfare (which in the case of soft lumber imports "essentially amounts to a 20 percent federal tax on consumers") ending the Dumping and Subsidy Offset Act will go a long way to easing the trade tensions between the US and Canada which led to this outburst by Canadian MP Marlene Jennings:
" Let's embarrass the hell out of the Americans in front of other countries that they are attempting to negotiate with on new binational trade agreements," she said then. Later, she added that the United States might find it difficult if Canada lets it be known that it is having trouble with the Americans on a number of trade fronts. "They want to expand their markets and other countries are going to be leery if they see that America's best trading partner, closest neighbour, is saying, 'We're having problems getting the United States to respect this [free-trade] agreement.'"While inflammatory, her comments are not without merit. How can the US promote itself as a nation of free trade when laws such as the Byrd Amendment are allowed to continue in direct opposition to NAFTA? But don't expect the person whose name is attached to this law to support the repeal if the Senator's response to last year's CBO report is any indication:
"I take strong exception to the CBO report's implication that, in the face of unfair trade practices, American companies should give foreign competitors the keys to their U.S. shops, kick U.S. workers to the curb, and wave goodbye with a wistful sigh." ...Byrd asked that the entire report be formally withdrawn.It's sad that Senator Byrd apparently views Canada as the "Great Satan" of trade. I wonder what the chances of the Byrd Amendment being repealed would be if Byrd's fellow Democratic Senator, John Kerry, had been elected to the Presidency? Consider Kerry's statement when the WTO ruling on the Byrd Amendment was handed down in August, 2004:
Once again, the Bush administration failed to stand up for American companies and workers at the WTO, and as a result, unfair trade practices are hurting our economy and middle-class families.I'd have put the odds for repeal under President Kerry at roughly diddly/squat. And yet, Kerry was the hoped-for candidate in Canada. Go figure. I'm sure that despite the fact the bill to repeal the Byrd Amendment was introduced by Republicans and that Democrats, such as Kerry and Byrd, will line up to oppose it, some will still place the blame for the trade woes with Canada on the Republicans in general and President Bush specifically. Update: Here's an article reprinting a March 7th Chicago Tribune column. This concentrates on the pork industry rather than lumber and American companies cashing in on the Byrd Amendment:
Last year the Commerce Department rejected the notion that Canada illegally subsidizes its hog farmers, but nevertheless set preliminary duties on live hogs from Canada at 13 percent to 15 Percent. Commerce promised to review that decision this week.And just look at the terrible hardship it's suffering because of those evil Canadians:
Consider this: Smithfield Foods, the nation's top U.S. hog and pork producer, reported Tuesday that its latest quarterly profit had doubled compared with the previous year because hog prices and exports have surged. If that constitutes being harmed by Canada, maybe Smithfield should ask for a second helping, please.Quite.
Posted by Skayhan at 10:30 AM | Comments (0)
March 08, 2005
Speaking of Bimbos
I have the misfortune of having the Delaware News Journal delivered daily. Today in the Life & Leisure section is an article on tomorrow's "The Simple Life" episode which was filmed at a day care center in Wilmington last November.
In the course of the taping, one of the two owners of Small Wonder, Lisa Marconi, was shocked by reality, "Everything you see that's a screw-up is a setup... it was so stupid."
I suspect Marconi would be surprised to know that the old, bearded man in the red suit hanging around the Christiana Mall in December isn't really Santa Claus.
When waivers were sent out to the parents of the 130 children, only one opted out. And while I'm no prude, the thought of the Paris Hilton, who is best known for an infamous sex tape widely available on the net.... hold that thought.
I actually don't think it was wrong for the parents not to pull their children from the day-care center. It's not as if Hilton was going to do something illicit in front of the kids; she's not Michael Jackson (allegedly) for cripe's sake. In fact, she appears to join them in a little "shut-eye". I won't ruin the illusion for those of you who don't realize that's just part of the script.
The best line of the story comes from the day after the taping as the
children asked the Small Wonder owners, Is Barbie coming back to play with us?"
Bottom line: The show is crap, but harmless. If anyone gets a bee in their bonnet over Hilton and Ritchie watching over small children, tell then to cram it. You can even use the Paris sex video to show them where.
Posted by Skayhan at 05:54 PM | Comments (0)
March 02, 2005
Who the heck is Ultraman?
I was recently asked this on the newsgroup which originally inspired this site. Sometimes I forget the disconnect that can occur between the different age groups. So rather than simply give a link to a website on Ultraman, I decided to give a more personal account:
"Aaron" wrote in message news:1109685830.701556.133120@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com... > > Sorry about this, but who the heck is Ultraman?Okay, for every last week in August back in late 70's, my parents would pack up the station wagon (which had no air conditioning) with two years worth of supplies and survival gear with me and five of my brothers and sisters (the older four drove themselves) stuffed wherever they could cram us and head down the Parkway to Long Beach Island, NJ. Mind you, everyone else in the Northern Hemisphere seemed to be going that way too.
So in the sweltering heat, trapped upside-down between the Marquis de Sade-designed stroller for my baby sister and my brother Bill, whose preferred entertainment was to clock me with whatever was handy, there were two thoughts that sustained me through the arduous 18,000 hour journey:
#1 The beach.
Not just to sit on the beach and tan but to have the fun only kids really can have. The possibility of being swept out to sea in the undertow, the evil jelly fish laying in wait to strike, or just plain being pummeled against the shell-coated bottom by a nasty wave, what child could ask for more?and
#2 I got to watch Ultraman.
You see, there wasn't cable back then. It wasn't even an urban myth yet. But at LBI, on UHF channel 29 , you could watch TBS out of Philadelphia. Every weekday at five, they would broadcast the Japanese sci-fi show, Ultraman. Basically, imagine if Jet Jaguar from Godzilla vs Megalon (side note: pick up the MST3K version if you can) had his own TV show. This was the forerunner to shows like the Power Rangers with one large difference: Ultraman kicked ass!For more info:
http://home.cfl.rr.com/ultrafaq/Ultraman-FAQ.htmlThere's also a movie coming out. In Japan only it seem, sadly.
www.ultraman-movie.comDoes that answer your question?
Why I dubbed Dean's yell primal scream into the theme? I don't know, I just had to it seems. Made me laugh anyway.
It still does.
Posted by Skayhan at 08:18 AM | Comments (0)