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March 15, 2005

Over the Lips and Past the Gums

From the forthcoming book, At Least I Got Paid: An Insider's Perspective on the Kerry Campaign for President, ASVS-HN is proud to present the following excerpt:

Chapter 2: Amongst the Heathen
Before John Kerry hit the primary campaign trail, his handlers felt some education on the customs and traditions of the American people would be to his benefit. A studious man, Kerry made swift progress in the program learning about such things as coupons, flannel, parking meters, and sports; real sports. Of course, he faired better in some subjects than others.

But nothing presented more of a challenge to his advisors than acclimating the soon-to-be Presidential Nominee to America's adult beverage of choice. "What is it?" Kerry asked, eyeing the brown bottle on the table before him with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion. "A bottle of beer," his teacher explained evenly.

"Ahh beer!" Kerry said in apparent recognition of the word. Yet his gaze remained warily fixated on the 12oz container, as if half-expecting it to suddenly throttle him.

The instructor, having seen this numerous times before, simply waited for the penny to drop. He had long since learned to allow Kerry a period of adjustment to new stimuli. Surreptitiously, he glanced to his watch as the seconds ticked by in silence. Any moment now, the Kerry advisor thought.

"What does it do?"

"It doesn't do anything," he frowned briefly. He had to give it to the Senator, his questions were nuanced. "Well, actually it does. You see it..."

"Provides a source of cheap, low emission, renewable energy?" the presidential hopeful suggested eagerly.

"No. And depending on the brand, definitely not low emission."

"There are different brands of this...beer?"

"Correct. The main breakdown of beer would be to divide the brands into domestic and imported beer."

"We import beer from other countries?"

"Yes, some are quite popular, but let us return to...."

"I understand. Your showing me that America is perfectly capable of producing this...beer," Kerry found that repeating new words helped make them sound more natural if he was unexpectedly required to use them, "but because of Bush's poor trade policies, foreign competitors have gained a foothold in the marketplace, pushing up our trade deficit to record numbers, and leading to higher unemployment as American companies outsource production of beer to countries where it would be cheaper for them to make while the greedy corporate giants receive a fat tax cut for hurting the working American."

The advisor steepled his hands as he touched the bridge of his nose as he realized that this was to be a most difficult lesson. "No," he stated firmly.

"No?" Kerry's brow furrowed in thought.

"No," he gently repeated.

"Now I'm confused."

"That's all right. Confusion is natural and to be expected at a time like this. We got way ahead of ourselves here. So let's go back to what beer is. Beer, simply put, is an achoholic beverage popular with the American people."

"So you drink it."

Noting that it was a statement and not a query, the advisor knew he should seize the momentum and quickly move to the more difficult phase of the day's lesson. "I would like you to drink that beer."

"Now?" there was fear at the edge of that voice, "but there are no glasses."

"You won't need one."

Incredulous, Kerry asked, "You mean I'm to drink this directly from the bottle? With my lips? Barbaric!"

A stern voice answered, "Mister Kerry, if you want to be accepted by the people of this nation whom you wish to serve as the next President of the United States, you must appear to understand them and relate to their culture. If you learn nothing else today, you must realize that sometimes you must do the difficult things; actions that you would normally find abhorrent, such as this, in order to attain your goals. Now pick up that bottle and drink the beer!"

Ever the good student, without hesitation, Kerry did as he was instructed. His face screwing up as the bitter brew passed over his tongue and down his throat. Abruptly placing the bottle back on the table, Kerry breathed deeply and quickly as if he had been drowning. "Did....I...do..it...all...right."

"Yes, yes, you did fine," the advisor assured him, "but I need you to do it again."

"Already?"

"Listen to me closely. This is important. This means something."

Kerry nodded in acquiescence.

"And this time try to control your expression so it looks like your enjoying your beer."

An hour and a half later, Kerry had managed to finish his first beer. He had even gotten to the point where it appeared as if he didn't hate it which, as far as the advisor was concerned, was great progress. Acting on impulse, he summoned the campaign manager, Mary-Beth Cahill.

"What do you have scheduled for tonight?"

We have a rally in Steubenville and before that a photo-op with some steel workers."

"Perfect," and turning to the Senator asked, "Do you feel up to drinking a beer in public in front of a camera... Mr. President?"

It never hurt to appeal to Kerry's ambition.

"I'll do what it takes to gain the trust of the American people," he stated firmly.

Afterward, Cahill approached the advisor for his impression of Kerry's performance.

"Not bad," he surmised, "Not great, but passable. Of course, tomorrow may be even more difficult."

"Why?" Cahill asked, "what are you covering tomorrow?"

"Draft beer."

Posted by Skayhan at March 15, 2005 09:10 PM

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