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April 26, 2005

Vulgarthons and Book Festivals

On Monday, March 28th, I met a fictional character in real life.

I attended Kevin Smith's "Vulgarthon 2005" film festival that day, at the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood. I got there at 5:00am, and didn't leave until 2:30am the next day. Five films were featured, including Brian Lynch's "Big Helium Dog", Jeff Anderson's "Now You Know", Smith's "Chasing Amy", Smith's extended cut of "Jersey Girl" and Jen Swalibach's (Mrs. Kevin Smith) "Oh What A Lovely Tea Party", a behind the scenes documentary of "Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back"

For those of us who are frustrated filmmakers, or just want to become more than we are, Kevin Smith's fame seems like a work of fiction itself. It reads like something out of a comic book, or simplistic wish fulfillment fantasy. Check this out; Kevin Smith, frustrated convenience store clerk and comic book collector, dreams of evolving to a higher station in life, watches "Slacker", and gets inspiration for making his own movie. Smith transformed the very thing that makes his life miserable, his go-nowhere job, as a vehicle to fame and fortune.

In short order, Smith fulfilled all his fantasies; he made a shit-load of money, he bought a comic book store, made more movies starring all his New Jersey pals, made comic books starring himself and his friends, had action figures made of himself and his friends, generated legions of fans, married a hot newspaper reporter, bought Ben Affleck's old house in the hills of Los Angeles...all in the space of 10 years.

When I watch "Clerks", sometimes it's easy to forget that history behind it. It's almost comforting to allow oneself to believe that the whole Kevin Smith story is generally a legend that doesn't really happen in Real Life. It's easier to believe that rather than the truth; that you've never evolved beyond that dreary life that you hate so much, but someone else took a chance and actually did it.

But then when you get a chance to meet Kevin Smith in person, reality hits you in the face. He IS a real person, and his story is 100% true. And you want to kick yourself even more than you did before.

So as I walked up to the line, it began raining. A few people had camped out, so these faux-homeless people had to scramble for shelter. I said very little to anyone, which is no surprise, since I mostly lurk on the View Askew message board anyway. Many people from the board were in attendence, and some even flew in from overseas for the event.


Bigfoot sighting? Nah, just me in line at Vulgarthon 2005

About 30 to 45 minutes before the doors opened, I saw Jay Mewes drive by the front in an SUV, staring at the crowd, and not the road ahead of him! Brian Johnson walked up to the line and greeted several people as well. Johnson is a longtime Kevin Smith friend who worked at the Quick Stop, and was the basis for Randal.

Soon after, Jay and Silent Bob came outside to hand out wristbands to everyone in line as they entered. I got to meet the Man, Mr. Smith for the briefest of moments, as he slapped a Vulgarthon band on my wrist. He looked genuinely happy to be there. I was dismayed to find that the Cinerama Dome seats didn't feature the fold-up arm rests, because I'm fucking Ralphy May huge. I sat in the back in one of the handicapped chairs, which were uncomfortable as hell, especially since I spent over 15 hours in it!

Jay Mewes sat in front of me in the reserved section, and had a lot of funny stuff to say. He was with friends, so I didn't bother him, and was genuinely surprised that that no one else did, either.

First movie up was "Big Helium Dog". Originally on the VA message board, I said I hated it, and that was a HUGE waste of time. That may have been a bit harsh, because there were some really funny moments in it. However, I thought it was way too long, and the jokes that bombed should have been edited out. The damned thing MUST have been over 90 minutes long, if not longer. Or felt that way. (Jay Mewes played video poker on his laptop during the entire flick. I envied him.)

Next was "Now You Know", by Jeff "Randal" Anderson. Now this was a surprise. It was actually a very good movie! Jeff was essentially playing a Randal character in it, and he was hilarious. There was a sidekick in the movie called "Biscuit" who was very funny as well. The female lead reminded me very much of flat-chested version of Leah Remini from "King Of Queens".

"Chasing Amy" was next. Nice treat because I never caught it in the theatres. The Q&A for the CA 10th anniversary DVD was a lot of fun, except for the idiotic audience members that took the opportunity to try out their shitty, lame-as-fuck standup material instead of asking a relevant question. Then there were others that made sad attempts to be "outrageous" so they could have a chance to be included on the DVD. Ben Affleck was very funny throughout the session. The audience of professional autograph seekers ran out of the theatre in an attempt to catch Affleck and have him sign 10 copies of their crap they lugged to the event.

The titanic, ultra-extended-super-version of "Jersey Girl" was next. When Kevin told the audience that this version featured J-Lo for 40 minutes instead of 10 minutes as the original theatrical release did, there was audible groaning! I have to admit I wasn't a huge fan of the flick when it came out. But I really enjoyed this version of it. Kevin had reservations about when or if this version would ever see the light of day on DVD, however.

Last was "Oh What A Lovely Tea Party". It was enjoyable in a lot of areas, but this could have been trimmed by a good 30 minutes as well. It dragged on and on, and on... But it was worth seeing just for the fact that only in a Kevin Smith production would you see Mark Hamill with a giant cock and balls painted on his face KISS-style! (One of the original makeup designs for his character, "Cock Knocker"

Overall, I had a good time. I wanted to get a picture with Kevin, but unfortunately, I didn't. I don't collect autographs, so I didn't follows the actors around with a bag full of action figures to sign.

POST SCRIPT

On Saturday, April 23rd, I accompanied my fiancee Rosie (a huge book-aholic as I am) and her niece and grand-niece to the LA Times annual "Festival Of Books" event held every year on the UCLA campus. Jason Alexander was there to read from his children's book, "Dad, Are You the Tooth Fairy?" Rosie went over to the Mysterious Galaxy/Sci-Fi booth to see one of her favorite authors, Lyn Hamilton, and I grabbed a picture. We worked our way over to Ray Bradbury's booth, where I snapped another photo with her and Mr. Bradbury, who didn't look like he knew what planet he was on anymore. The celeb-fest continued as I played photog to Rosie while she stood next to Jeff Bridges, who was at the event because his mother, Dorothy Bridges was signing her book "You Caught Me Kissing."

After a quick lunch, we headed over to the last event on our schedule. Kevin Smith was there to promote his book, "Silent Bob Speaks. He was onstage making the crowd laugh with his XXX humor, blissfully unfazed that people brought their kids to the event! Topics ranged from his wife's refusal to give him ass-sex, to his ending of the "Lord Of The Rings" trilogy, where Frodo would be mouth-fucking Sam. Rosie and her nieces stood in the line for signing the book while I grabbed a few pictures of Kevin onstage. After his stage show, Keven went to his booth to sign books. Rosie became my photographer, and finally scored the picture I'd wanted; me standing next to Mr. Smith

Very cool. But that wasn't the topper of the evening...

We were kicking back toward the end of the building and were sitting in a corner getting ready to leave for the day. Rosie decided to call her friend Cynthia (another huge Kevin Smith fan) and began telling her all that she missed. Suddenly, Rosie's grand-niece says, "Oh my gosh. Look who's coming." Suddenly Kevin appears from around the corner. So as he reached us, Rosie thrusts her cell phone toward him and asked him if he would say hello to her friend who was a fan of his.

Kevin took the phone, mouthed the question "Who am I talking to?" and then started a conversation with Cynthia. He began berating her for missing the event! It was hilarious!

"Migraine? You should have seen the shit I went through today, and I still made it!"

Rosie's nieces were taking photos while he continued the conversation, and he was hamming it up for the camera. Afterward, the Real Life fictional character gave the phone back to Rosie, shook my hand, and left.


Posted by Poe at 07:07 AM | Comments (2)

April 22, 2005

[MiSTing] The Stolen Laptop

berkeley.jpg

[Satellite of Love]
*...2....3...4...5...6...door
Crow: ...and that's how I rigged the papal election.

Tom Servo: Wow, I thought that Ratzinger winning was a little strange.

Crow: It was even harder than fixing the U.S. Presidential elections.

Servo: How did you do that?

Crow: I made sure John Kerry won the Democratic nomination.

Servo: But why?

Crow: Because Bush winning would drive Mike crazy.

Mike Nelson [enters picture]: What would drive me crazy?

Servo: Oh nothing, nothing.

Mike: Well...all right. Hello everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. As you can see we're still in the process of taking down our Kerry and Edwards posters... still can't figure out how Bush won... and what are you two laughing about?

Crow: Just a joke Servo told me, I'd tell you but I'm not going to.

Mike: Nevermind, Karl Rove is calling. Hit the light.

[Deep 13]
Dr Forrester: Still see you're not over the election yet, eh my little white mice? Well I hope you fools have had a nice vacation because as of right now the experiments are about to commence again.

[SOL]
Mike: Well actually, we we're kinda hoping that...

[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: And have we got a doozy for you this week. A professor at UC Berkeley had his laptop stolen and in this over-the-top webcast tries to scare the thief into returning it. It's a clip I like to call "Putting the fear of God into the little bastards".
Play time's over Nelson! Send it up, Frank.

[SOL]
Mike, Tom, Crow: Oh, we've got webcast sign!

6...5...4...3...2...*

Thanks Gary. I have a message for one person in this audience -

Crow: I love you

I'm sorry the rest of you have to sit through this. As you know, my computer was stolen in my last lecture. The thief apparently wanted to betray everybody's trust, and was after the exam. The thief was smart not to plug the computer into the campus network, but the thief was not smart enough to do three things:

Mike: Get accepted to MIT?

...he was not smart enough to immediately remove Windows.

Servo: Well, that pretty much goes for everyone who get a computer loaded with it.

I installed the same version of Windows on another computer - within fifteen minutes the people in Redmond Washington were very interested to know why it was that the same version of Windows was being signalled to them from two different computers.

Crow: Microsoft? Fifteen minutes?

Mike: Shhh! He's rolling.

The thief also did not inactivate either the wireless card or the transponder that's in that computer. Within about an hour, there was a signal from various places on campus that's allowed us to track exactly where that computer went every time that it was turned on.

Crow: Like the women's locker room. I know I'd like to be turned on there.

Servo: Yeah, where's the webcast of that?

Mike: Calm down you two.

I'm not particularly concerned about the computer. But the thief, who thought he was only stealing an exam, is presently - we think - is probably still in possession of three kinds of data, any one of which can send this man, this young boy, actually, to federal prison. Not a good place for a young boy to be.

Servo: Mike, is he threatening the boy with what I think he is?

Mike: Jail? Well, yes.

Servo: No, I mean... [whispers into Mike's ear]

Mike: Ahhhhh!

Crow: Yep, that's one mean teacher.

You are in possession of data from a hundred million dollar trial, sponsored by the NIH, for which I'm a consultant. This involves some of the largest companies on the planet...

Mike: TGI Friday's?

Crow: Starbucks?

Servo: Wal-Mart?

Crow: Truly the "Axis of Evil".

The NIH investigates these things through the FBI, they have been notified about this problem.

Servo: The FBI: protecting America against terrorism, kidnapping, and stolen laptops.

You are in possession of trade secrets from a Fortune 1000 biotech company, the largest one in the country, which I consult for. The Federal Trade Communication is very interested in this. Federal Marshals are the people who handle that.

Mike: Cool! Tommy Lee Jones is on the case. He's really in trouble now.

You are in possession of proprietary data from a pre-public company planning an IPO. The Securities and Exchange Commission is very interested in this and I don't even know what branch of law enforcement they use.

Crow: And even if I did I wouldn't tell you. So there!

Your academic career is about to come to an end.

Mike: You're ready to become CEO of a major company.

You are facing very serious charges, with a probability of very serious time. At this point, there's very little that anybody can do for you. One thing that you can do for yourself is to somehow prove that the integrity of the data which you possess has not been corrupted or copied.

Servo: And all my porn had better be there too.

Ironically, I am the only person on the planet that can come to your aid, because I...

Mike: Have super powers!

...am the only person that can tell whether the data that was on that computer are still on that computer. You will have to find a way of hoping that if you've copied anything that you can prove you only have one copy of whatever was made.

Crow: If that video of me dancing in my underwear to "YMCA" shows up on the internet, so help me God.....

I am tied up all this afternoon

Mike: And how do you register for that class?

I am out of town all of next week. You have until 11:55 to return the computer, and whatever copies you've made, to my office, because I'm the only hope you've got of staying out of deeper trouble than you or any student I've ever known has ever been in.

Servo: More than Ted Kaczinski?

Mike: The Unabomber was never a student at Berkeley.

Servo. Oh, right. But still...

I apologise to the rest of you for having to bring up this distasteful matter, but I will point out that we have a partial image of this person, we have two eyewitnesses, with the transponder data we're going to get this person

Crow: You had me at "Thanks Gary!"
*...2....3...4...5...6...door

Servo: See? That's why my laptop is laced with explosives. Anyone tries to steal it and BOOM!

Mike: Don't you think that's a little drastic?

Crow: No, not at all, I even lined my room with C-4 to keep out intruders. I have a remote control to detonate it from wherever I am.

Mike: But your room is right next to the reactor!

Crow: All I have to do is push this button and.....

All items related to Mystery Science Theater 3000 are property of Best Brains, Inc.

UPDATE (4/25/05): The above link "Putting the fear..." originally led to an ABC News story complete with the video of the professor's tirade. However, the story was taken down for some reason. The new link repeats the information but lacks the video. You may find the audio link from the picture at the top of the post.

Posted by Skayhan at 03:59 AM | Comments (0)

April 11, 2005

I Have A Stalker

It looks like I have a stalker.

This is very distressing, since the stalker in question is none other than Robert Scott Anderson, the obtuse troll-boy who in the past has stalked other men's women, whom he believed he had a relationship with. In that light, I don't know how I should feel about being the object of Robert's clandestine skulking about. If I receive a Hallmark card smelling of Rogaine and Cheetos though, I'll have to conclude Scooter plays both sides of the tracks.

Robert doesn't seem to be content with stalking me on StarDestroyer.net's message board, rubbing one out to every one of my posts, he's even gone to the extreme of snooping around my website, reading through notes for future ideas for said website, and offline web pages I'm currently working on.

Damn. Not even my fiancee does that. I'd better go buy a can of pepper spray and a rape whistle.

Anyway, I leave notes to myself in my website to update or change things later, and add suggestions made by friends whom I asked about certain issues. Then at work or on my fiancee's computer, if I have free time, I access these notes and update the website accordingly. I also email myself notes and incomplete webpages. One of these notes had the email headers on it, and the names of people who participated in that particular discussion.

Let's examine what kind of person we're dealing with here. You see, Scooter is a delusional simpleton who thinks madmen are out to kill him, and are busy framing him for things like small arms fire within women's apartments. Now, the poor man's Columbo believes he's pieced together evidence leading to a Freemason-like secret society that just out to "get" him. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

So Robert has been sniffing around my website's offline content, apparently adding to his Wayne Poe shrine in the hovel he resides in, and "discovered" that I am (are you ready for this?) part of an EMAIL LIST!! Better call Mulder and Scully; aliens will be landing any time now! So Darkstar, (a name by the way I find highly appropriate for Robert by the way; in the pornography world "the dark star" refers to the anus,) tries to piece his delusionary puzzle together by drooling over the other names who are on this email list. Then he comes to the conclusion that this list is the Official Darkstar Defamation Task Force, because some of the people on it have spoken about Star Wars subjects online.

So, am I part of a "secret" email list that was formed to discuss Darkstar? Nope. Am I on an email list with people of mutual interests to mine? Why, yes I am! I've been part of this same email list since early 1997. Uh oh...how could a Secret Official Darkstar Defamation Task Force Email List exist before anyone ever heard of Darkstar? This is a temporal conundrum not even Donnie Darko can explain...

So just what IS this "email list" Darkstar is developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome over by doing the knuckle shuffle on his piss pump? Again, its a list of people with mutual interests who discuss everything and anything under the sun. Do Star Wars topics come up? Of course. So does Star Trek, and Dr. Who, Battlestar Galactica, and even Babylon 5, on ocasion. Does Star Wars vs Star Trek come up? Again, yes, since Mike Wong and I have websites dedicated to that topic. Boy, I bet that was difficult to gather.

As we've established, Robert is a delusional little asstard who has visions of people conspiring against him, and madmen wanting to kill him. We're not dealing with a rational person here, people. Let's have some fun and run through Robert's latest persecution fantasies, shall we?

Darkstar
 The "Curtis" mentioned above was Curtis Saxton of the Star Wars Technical Commentaries, a fellow who has frequently disavowed any activity in the Star Trek vs. Star Wars debates. To be sure, he used to be active and with all the vitriol we'd expect from a Vs. Debate poster, what with declaring SW tech superior, calling people "typical Trekkies", and making reference to "silliest Trekkist fallacies". But, since then, he'd kept out of it, at least publicly.

So let's see...Curtis Saxton comments on a discussion in the email list, and suddenly he's a closet "Star Wars vs. Star Trek" debater? Oh, and Curtis apparently is anti-Trek because he allegedly declares "SW tech superior" to Trek. Well, newsflash, asswipe. Because SW tech IS superior to Trek tech, this doesn't mean the person has any vested interest in the VS debates whatsoever. The list is an information exchange among peers who happen to be friends. Something I'm certain is an alien concept to Robert.

Darkstar
 This is not to say he wasn't involved with the people . . . as many have noted, Mike Wong, Wayne Poe, and others showed up on the acknowledgements of Saxton's Episode II: Incredible Cross Sections, which featured highly-inflated firepower figures for Star Wars.

Ah, again with the unsupported blatant falsehoods against the AOTC:ICS. Authors have acknowledged their friends and family in their work for centuries, but Curtis Saxton isn't allowed this perk.

Darkstar
 And, sure, I'd seen a few things that could've been quiet responses to my work, but I'm not so conceited as to think that I'm the focus of everyone's attention all the time. Silly me.

Now this is simply gut-busting humor! When the subject of Darkstar came up on the list, Curtis had no idea who this idiot was, and this was AFTER the publication of the AOTC:ICS. So for Robert to insinuate that Dr. Saxton may have engineered the book in subtle ways to respond to...DARKSTAR...is a fucking laugh riot. The self proclaimed "last bastion of Star Trek didn't begin his "Darkstar" persona (I have to chuckle now everytime I type his name, because I keep thinking of the asshole reference from the porn world!) until 2002...when AOTC:ICS was published! I'd better keep an eye out for Frank the bunny and errant airplane engines...

Darkstar
 You see, it recently came to my attention that there is indeed a currently-active e-mail list being run through Mike Wong's StarDestroyer.Net server. The list membership appears to include Mike Wong, Curtis Saxton, Wayne Poe, Brian Young, Martyn Griffiths, Adam Gehrls, and maybe others (though I can't identify some addresses).

Yeah, things would "come to my attention" too, were I to act like a gossipy old woman and rifle through the things of people I'm obsessed with.

Darkstar
 (Brian Young also makes use of the "staff of analysts" from BabTech-onthe.Net, including Sean Robertson.)

Again, Peter Jennings' retarded brother is Johnny-On-The-Spot with with the news flashes. I'd hope Brian made use of the BabTech-onthe.Net analysts; after all, its HIS FUCKING WEBSITE!!! Damn, this is more pathetic than an amputee with a hard on.

Darkstar
 The group seems to be a loose confederacy doing research on Star Trek and Star Wars away from the curious eyes of the hoi polloi and 'lesser Warsies'. That sounds fine in and of itself, though of course I might be annoyed were I one of those lesser folks thus excluded.

Again, Inspector Clouseau comes to a conclusion after logically weighing all the evidence. And like Clouseau, he has no fucking clue as to what he's talking about. Out of everyone on the entire list, besides myself and Mike Wong, there's a grand total of three other people who have an interest in Star Wars in relation to Star Trek. So what do we discuss on this secret Illuminati list Darkstar (snicker) has "discovered"? Oh, let's see...in February and March, for example, one list member had problems with mold in their apartemnt, which the rest of the list offered dozens of cures for. One list member regaled us with tales of his scripts being butchered by Hollywood studios, a former Star Wars EU author laughed at a question I posed to him, one list member went into extensive detail about the calibration of his home entertainment center, and still another reported he was nursing a bruised elbow after taking a spill in the snow. I discussed updates to my website, and a couple people offered suggestions and answers.

Oohh...real cloak and daggar stuff. The funny thing is, this isn't the first time Darkstar has fucked up, and declared a "Warsie" conspiracy afoot. He did the exact same thing a few years ago!

Darkstar
 The part I find amusing, though, is the goal of a lot of that research. Naturally, given the obsession of some of the members of that list it should be no surprise that I'd be mentioned, along with those horrible "Trekkies" in general . . . but the fact that they talk about "pushing to add more examples to make [me] look foolish" is amusing. I especially enjoy how much effort they expend explicitly trying to frame their collective position so that there's nothing for me to be able to argue against . . . not to mention what a poor job they do of it, historically. But, then, with some of it being filtered through Wayne, it's a wonder any of it comes out coherent at all.

Here we see Darkstar (hehehe!)attempt to paint the entire existence of the list as a secret cabal against him. And this is all from a smattering of notes on a .txt file the cowardly little twat found by desperately searching through my webpages! You see, since Darkstar's (ahhhhh-hahahahaha!!) entire website is a direct response to mine, any update I'd do on MY website would OF COURSE reflect on his! And since the one or two list members with whom I was discussing these updates with agreed that Idiot-Boy should be smacked around even more that I currently do on my webpages, THIS is his basis for declaring the entire list "just about him". Someone needs a reassuring hug. How much are whores in Hattiesburg?

Ah, but then Asshole-Star dismisses the notion that he was ever bitchslapped soundly out out ASVS and other message boards by not only me and Mike Wong, but many of the denziens from those places as well...

Darkstar
 I'm not the sole focus, of course. They lament about things as any researchers would. For instance, who can avoid hearing the pain of disclosure when they say that "It is possible that we undercalculated this for the ICS"? Especially when the message is reminds them of their obvious efforts to try to make sure that "things make it a better comparison to Trek"!

"Especially when the message is reminds them of their obvious efforts to try to make sure that 'things make it a better comparison to Trek'" WTF?? Anyone own an idiot translator so we can make sense of this poorly structured sentence? Again, junior detective doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. The AOTC:ICS wasn't written in committee. Curtis Saxton was the sole author, and gave zero regard to Star Trek.. Oh, but don't tell this to the rabidTrekkies. They still need to hold on to their fantasies. And their cocks, since no one else will take pity on them for even a mercy tug.

Darkstar
 But, then, few in Vs. Debate circles seriously doubted that the E2:ICS firepower figures were anything more than an anti-Trek wank, even if the Warsies cried foul at the mere suggestion that Saxton's ICS figures were based on anything other than Saxton's careful research of AoTC (despite the fact that he had little to no actual movie to base most of the figures on). And, of course, I'm sure they'll label this a personal attack on Saxton, too, just as they did whenever anyone else besides them dared breathe his name.

Yes, Asshole-star continues with his made up fantasies about Dr. Saxton's work, being the misfit little coward that he is. See, Curtis doesn't subscribe to Darkstar's personal canon view of Star Wars, and instead follows Lucasfilm's actual canon and continuity policy. So of course Asshole-star would want to dismiss this canon book as much as possible. And it's hilarious to see this idiot attempt to appeal to a minority of little Trekkie fanboys who hate the ICS series with a passion. Awww...plug up those holes girls...you're getting blood all over the linoleum...

Darkstar
 That said, I guess this explains why Saxton never responded to those two e-mails I sent a couple of years ago. I'm a dirty "Trekkist" whose work had to be attacked in private e-mails, not to mention disagreed with in the pages of an otherwise pretty EU book that he and the boys did calcs for with a view toward inflating Star Wars past Star Trek levels. Woe is unreplied-to me.

Here we have the crux of Asshole-star's lamentations. Curtis didn't respond to his emails, so he makes like Incrediboy from "The Incredibles" and seeks to become his worst enemy. Boy, you can just smell the desperation. "Why won't you acknowledge me?? Waaaa!" And again he repeats the Trekkie belief that Saxton violated his confidentiality agreement with Lucasfilm and had a "Let's Write An ICS" book party.

Oh, but I'll let you in on a little secret. A couple years back, Curtis did indeed get an email from Asshole-star. He asked Mike and I who this little kid was. And Mike and I did our duty and told Curtis exactly who Scooter was. So Curtis never responded to Darkstar? Hmm...was it something we said? =snicker=

Darkstar
 But, I digress. Why is all this amusing, over and above the fun I've already had above? Because, with rare exception, this site is mine. I've conferred with a handful of others on occasion (and those others know they have my eternal thanks), but over the years this site has existed I have invariably been the primary author and primary creator.

Yeah, and the rest of us have a sweatshop full of midgets building our websites for us. I thought that was public knowledge?

Darkstar
 In other words, I realized that I'd been kicking the asses of Wayne and Mike and then the whole gaggle of SD.Net denizens for a long while, thanks to ASVS, the Wong Debate, and the Battle of Britain (not to mention their efforts to harass me out of the debate) . . . but I never realized that they'd been crying for help to a secret smoke-filled e-mail list of other guys for all this time.

Yeah, Napoleon Dynamite has been kicking all our asses, with his Flippin' Mad Skillz for years. Robert seems to have a very selective memory, doesn't he? He had his ass handed to him repeatedly on ASVS from everyone there, and left in shame TWICE. He had his theories and conclusions shoved BACK up his ass by nearly everyone on SD.net, until he had himself banned to he could claim he was kicked out. The same thing happened at spacebattles.com, until they banned his ass there, too. Yup, he's a regular undefeated warrior, isn't he? His ass has been kicked more times than Jenna Jameson's face has been cummed on, yet the Black Knight still claims victory...

Darkstar
 Come on girls . . . I know you hate to avoid using that numerical advantage, but increasing it via secret dispatches to Curtis Saxton and Brian-and-the-gang is getting a little ridiculous, don't you think? Why not a little one-on-one?

Sorry, Asshole-star, but you've HAD your chance. Repeatedly. Mike Wong killed you when you went one-on-one with him. I destroyed every single one of your inane argument during your short stays on ASVS, when you'd run away for months at a time, and I continued to trash you on SD.net until you arranged to get yourself booted out. I continued to kick your ass, one on one, at spacebattles.com, until your jealousy for my "Trekmiss 1" video got you booted out of there permanently.

I'll continue to confer with my pals online about future webpage updates. You'll continue to live vicariously through me.Darkstar (snicker)

Now watch as Robert how he found out about this "super secret list" we've been hiding from the public at large!

Darkstar
 I happened upon its existence quite accidentally, thanks to Wayne's sloppy webmastery . . . he had various cut-and-pastes from the group as .txt files in his directories.

Yeah, that sounds really accidental, doesn't it? I have to use that line if I ever decide on Burglary as a career choice. "Oh my! Whatever am I doing in the diamond exchange after hours?"

Darkstar
 (When one has no index.whatever file in one's directory, the default in most cases is simply a listing of the files in a directory. As example, see Brian Young's directory: http://www.babtech-onthe.net/download/ . . . btw, Brian, thanks for the Clone Wars.)

Ah, so mine is not the only website Robert has been desperately poring through obsessively, stealing content. I can't wait to inform Brian of this once he returns from his vacation. Of course, this is nothing new; just an escalation of this dishonest pussy's activities. He's openly stolen images and content from my website and Mike's in the past.

Darkstar
 As I observed these files for awhile, I saw where he deleted some, added details, and so on . . . of course after I e-mailed the list the "security hole" was plugged within a few days. I figured they'd eventually figure it out, but I couldn't resist saying hello.

"Security hole"? This incredibly inept fucktard seems to think that an email list me and bunch of friends belong to is directly connected to my website somehow. Then he goes on to suggest he used his mad hacker skills to infiltrate it!! This guy truly puts the "stupid" in "motherfucker".

Darkstar
 But, for quite some time, I had access to his pages-in-progress and notes regarding them from the list which Curtis Saxton participated in, and these files remain on my hard drive. So, it will be a hard sell for you to portray the list in an innocent light, as you seem to desire, or to portray me in a paranoid light. I know what was afoot . . . Wayne provided that information to me.

Ok...Robert isn't paranoid...that's why he's been skulking through my website all this time, gathering offline content, stealing pages in progress, and sneaking around other people's websites doing the exact same thing. No, this isn't an obsessive, cowardly pussy...

Editor's update: Darkstar makes the following statement in regards to how he came across this email list:
On such an occasion I clicked my browser's "up" button instead of the "back" button, and quite accidentally found myself at his directory structure.
It was the "up button" that caught my attention. To the best of my knowledge, no browser comes equipped with one, at least not as a default. The Google toolbar, however, does allow for that option to be chosen. Click on the picture below and make note of the placement of the "UP" button in relation to the "BACK" one.
upbutton_sm.jpg
Now this can mean one of two thing:
1. Darkstar is incompetent in using simple browser software as Poe notes, "Again with the 'Whoops! How did I get here???' Gee, he must have just slipped his pinky onto the wrong key when he went and gathered content off of Brian Young's website as well."
or
2. Darkstar is lying and was intentionally rooting through Poe's directories to see what he could find.
Of course, how can I possibly deride the intentions of such an honorable man. After all, he did what all honorable men do when they find themselves where they shouldn't be. They hold to their ethics and cue the Mission Impossible theme as all honorable people should.

Posted by at 01:14 PM | Comments (3)

April 08, 2005

The Dead Pope Sketch

As Dalton notes below, they're finally going to put the pope in the ground later, now, or earlier today depending on your timezone. Now for the past week, was it just me, or was the Vatican performing the live version of "Weekend at Bernie's III"? If so, they were not living up to the comic standards of the earlier films.

Perhaps it's because they were unable to secure actor Andrew McCarthy for the scheduled dates of the performance or maybe it is due to poor writing, but the presentation has been sadly lacking in humor. I mean, where was the slap-stick antics as two young priests convince the congregation the pope is still able to transform the Eucharist via rope and pullies? Or how about when they somehow lose track of the body only to hear the stunned crowd as JP II drives wildly through Vatican Square only to crash into the St. Peter's Basilica. Throw a musical number in there somewhere and they could have swept the Tony's.

Of course, if all else failed, they could have gone the Monty Python route:

Customer enters Vatican Gift Shop wheeling in the Pope before him. Bishop stands behind counter in full regalia.
'Ello, Sister?

What do you mean "Sister"?

I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

I'm afraid we're closin' for vespers.

Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this pope what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Oh yes, the, uh, the Polish Pontiff...what's uh...what's wrong with it?

I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

No, no, 'e's uh...he's resting.

Look, matey, I know a dead pope when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

No no he's not dead, he's... he's restin'! Remarkable See, the Polish Pontiff, idn'it, ay? Beautiful garments!

The garments don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up. 'Ello, your Eminence!! I've got a lovely fresh Eucharist for you if you show...

[owner hits the wheelchair]

There, he moved!

No, he didn't, that was you hitting the chair!

I never!!

Yes, you did!

I never, never did anything...

[yelling and shaking the the chair violently] 'ELLO POPEY!!!!! WAKEY! WAKEY! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

[Takes pope out of the chair and thumps its head on the counter. Releases it and watches it crumble to the floor.]

Now that's what I call a dead pope.

No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

STUNNED?!?

Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Polish Pontiffs stun easily, major.

Um...now  look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That pope is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged prayer.

Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the chapel.

PININ' for the CHAPEL?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

The Polish Pontiff prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable See, id'nit, squire? Lovely garments!

Look tosh, I took the liberty of examining that pope when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting upright in its chair in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.

Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that pope down, he would have jumped up outta that chair, hopped in his little pope-mobile and VOOM! 

"VOOM"?!? Mate, this pope wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

No no! 'E's pining!

'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This pope is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the chair 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'inoperative! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

(PAUSE)

E' fucking SNUFFED IT!!! THIS IS AN EX-pope!!

Well, I'd better replace it, then. Do you have your receipt? 

Receipt? I just came here to make a complaint. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[Door to shop burst open as three scarlet-clad figures rush into the shop.]

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I expect a higher entertainment value from the Mother Church. And I may be going to hell for writing the above, but you're all going with me for having read it. Donutis un Biscutus, Amen.

Posted by Skayhan at 08:18 AM | Comments (2)

April 07, 2005

Sede Vacante

As I'm sure you all know - that is, if you're not living in a hut in Botswana - Pope John Paul II (né Karol Wojtyla) died on Saturday from, officially, septic shock and heart failure. Not the most glorious way to go for someone who was a terrific sportsman and who survived multiple brushes with death (including once being hit by a truck and left for dead). Regardless of what you might think of him (and Bob knows I don't exactly have a high opinion of him either) his death has sent a shockwave throughout the entire world. After all, he was the spiritual leader of over a billion Catholics and the third longest-reigning Pope of all time.

Predictably, this was huge news for the cable networks.

Not long after Terri Schiavo died - the source of yet another media blitz - the news networks went on full Pope alert, quickly (and thankfully) pushing the entire Schiavo fiasco off the front page. For a full day and a half the media kept close watch of the lights in the windows outside of the Pope's apartments in St. Peter's Square, breathlessly awaiting Vatican press releases like, well, a news network. Or a crazed stalker. Whatever.

Also predictably, the news networks were eager to scoop each other - so eager, in fact, that Fox and CNN announced the death of the Pope a full 26 hours before it actually happened.

Kind of says something about jumping the gun. I just feel sorry for the producer who, unaware she was next to an open mic (the translator's) that was on air, announced to the FNC audience that the "Pope is dead...Hello, Pope is dead". Shepard Smith was understandably livid.

She'll probably never work in the news business again. Unfortunate, yes, but I don't think it's entirely her fault. But, as Fox News has seemed to refuse to learn again and again, checking facts is a good thing. At least CNN took pains to mention that the reports were unconfirmed.

It was around this time that MSNBC began running their "Fair and Accurate" promos, a gleefully evil slap in Fox's face. I won't say that Fox didn't fully deserve it.

The worst part about it, for them, was that when Fox and CNN found out that the Pope wasn't dead, they got nervous 26 hours later when the news came down the wire and this time waited for confirmation. As a result, according to Cable Newser, MSNBC beat both of them by a full three minutes. An eternity in the broadcasting world.

Now, this sort of thing, news networks using major world events as tools in their rivalry, is not new. This is what happens when ratings are more important than actual newsgathering. Did you know that, over the weekend, while cable news was doing Pope stuff the whole time, a US plane crashed in Albania? That there was major flooding along the east coast? That Terri Schiavo was cremated?

Think about that: the death of one man was enough to put all other news on hold for a day.

Consider: Pope John Paul II is a man who:


John Paul II's funeral is tonight, and with that end comes the end of an era. For good or bad, the Pope was a giant. Was all this news coverage warranted? I'd say not really, because there is more important news out there. But no other person in recent memory really had the far-reaching influence of John Paul II. His memory will live on for years to come, whether his name be praised or reviled. One thing is for certain, though: work's gonna be busy for weeks.

Posted by Dalton at 04:27 PM | Comments (0)