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May 27, 2005
TV, and the Jerks Who Make and Hate It
I would like to propose Chuck’s Theorem on the Measure of Society: In any society, the amount of basic human needs being provided, degree of safety, freedom, and overall happiness are directly related to the number of people who bitch about everything else.
I’m convinced there is now, in fact, a movement for everything. There is nothing so trivial that someone won’t revolve their life around it, and in fact go so far as to make demands about how it affects the lives of others. In fact, the more unimportant something is, the louder people seem to want to shout.
Let’s start with the recent anti-TV group. The who what? you may be wondering. Yes, there’s a movement opposed to the proliferation of television in our society. There is, as often is found, some merit in their position. I personally watch very little actual television these days, spending most of my times in front of the television with either DVD’s and video games. What television I personally watch usually can be taken from the four basic TV food groups.
Adult Animation is my first category, although that doesn’t mean some of the really high quality anime coming in involving tentacles and Sailor Moon-looking girls. I’m talking about the late Futurama, the dying SeaLab 2021, the zombified Family Guy, and the Methuselah-like Simpsons, what could broadly be thought of as “the only things that are actually funny on TV.” I’ll also lump Most Extreme Elimination Challenge into this because, even though it doesn’t use animation, it’s still dubbed like animation, and it is hysterically funny.
Next up would be education, although I define this rather broadly. Mythbusters teaches you all kinds of important facts, like exactly how much insect spray it takes to launch a man out of cannon. Historical programs and stuff on astronomy is always good, like Nova used to do in the 80’s back before it was all about environmental disasters and such. Not that I approve of environmental disasters, of course, but there’s got to be more to science than irradiated tubeworms... unless we’re talking giant mutant tubeworms attacking Tokyo, which is always educational and fun. Lately I’ve also taken to home improvement stuff on Home & Garden channel because I just bought a house and I’m looking for ways to spend money on breaking it. Nature documentaries I definitely avoid, except for spiders and sometimes sharks, which have become very popular to some people.
Corollary: A society’s prosperity can be measured by the degree to which its members are willing to go to protect animals that will kill and eat them without a second thought.
Detective shows, although this I have to kind of clarify. Law & Order is good, but the twelve or so spin-off programs just don’t seem to be as good. I just can’t get into CSI; I know I’m sorry, but it’s just me. Law & Order shows a police station that’s dirty and old and generally used, whereas CSI just shows me a lab you could eat off of. Monk is another good detective program, thanks a great deal to its solid cast of actors. And crazy people. You can’t get enough crazy people on TV.
The fourth category is crap, which contains all the stuff I’m willing to watch because I’m waiting for my wife to remember which foot her left shoe goes on. This includes things like World’s Wildest Police Videos, which are great mostly because of the overexcited announcer trying to bring variety to the mundane. Also fitting in here is Judge Judy, a court show about an older woman who like to yell at people. Mostly I’ll sit through it if one of the litigants is wearing a very tight sweater.
Now, admittedly, this has run quite long, but take note of what isn’t there. No sitcoms. No reality shows. No American Idol. No news magazines. The problem for me is that most of this stuff just isn’t really worth watching, and so I don’t. In fact, one of the greatest frustrations for me is that good stuff is constantly dying. Remember the Lone Gunmen spin-off? Superb! The live action Tick? Killed without being given a chance. Tremors: The Series, which had the misfortune of taking the time spot of Farscape, earning it ire from sci-fi fans, then doomed by the network because they thought airing the episodes out of order and confusing the hell out of the audience would somehow increase ratings (freaky coincidence: two out of these three guest-starred Armin Shimmerman, Quark from DS9). That’s gone... f**king Scare Tactics is still alive and well. Joey is still on the air. Fear Factor is still running. I’d rather pop in a movie or find some other entertainment if that’s what I’m in the mood for than watch some idiot eat a pile of walking sticks for money. So, I’m not opposed to the general principle of the anti-TV movement.
But of course, what’s a movement if you don’t have a bunch of self-righteous assholes who want to control other people’s lives?
Corollary #2: The more mundane the movement, the more ridiculous the antics of the participants.
A new device has been created to turn other people’s TV’s off. It’s called (get ready for some seriously creative naming here) TV-B-Gone. What it does is shuts off all televisions within a 45 foot radius; just the perfect thing for that asshole who’s constantly on the go. They’re planning to unleash it on TV’s in public places to help people wake up and realize there’s a whole world out there, and it’s high time you get out there and... spend it turning other people’s TV’s off.
Before some member of this brigade launches into some diatribe about how I’m some tool for the corporate establishment, let me reiterate that I watch little TV. What I listed above is what I will watch if I watch anything, but I don’t watch TV every day. Sometimes I don’t watch TV for weeks (really!). I spend a great deal of my time with my children, and writing, and reading, and relaxing with friends and family over a game or some idle conversation, or talking with my on-line friends, or helping my wife switch her shoes the right way ‘round. The TV is there for when I want it, and only then; I don’t follow its schedule. So I hope those people planning on pulling this will understand where I’m coming from when I say: Please knock this shit off.
If there’s more to life than TV, then there sure as hell is more to life than turning other people’s TV’s off.
Posted by Chuck at 12:04 PM | Comments (0)
May 21, 2005
Argument of the Sith
I'd like to present you with my interpretation of Star Wars Episode III as seen through the eyes of the title Sith characters, whom the film was about. This contains spoilers in much the same sense that a McDonald's hamburger contains beef.
[On board the command ship, Anakin has Dooku at his mercy]
Palpatine: Good work Anakin! Kill him.
Dooku: Ha-wah?
Palpatine: Kill him now.
Anakin: Obi-Wan wouldn’t like it.
Dooku: That’s right, he wouldn’t.
Palpatine: Tell me, when did Count Dooku the wise exchange reason for madness?
Dooku: Huh? I don’t-
Anakin: Less chat, more splat. [cuts Dooku’s head off]
Palpatine: Good! Good work.
Anakin: I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not the Jedi way. *sigh* But that’s all water under the bridge now ain’t it? Anything to drink around here?
[Later, at the performance]
Palpatine: Let me tell you the story of an old Sith who had the power to control the midichlorians in a person and use it to extend their life.
Anakin: I was with you until “story.”
Palpatine: He used the dark side to control the midichlorians and could then-
Anakin: Huh?
Palpatine: -help stop them from dying.
Anakin: I don’t get it.
Palpatine: He can save people from dying by manipulating the midichlorians in their body.
Anakin: Okay, um, it was like, really easy to cheat in the Force Theory class... I could write the answers on the back of my hand and stuff. I also worked more on the practice. So, are you saying people have chlorophyll in them, and the Sith can make it minty to keep them alive?
Palpatine: Maybe I can glue Dooku’s head back on....
Anakin: Just, can you help me out with this one?
Palpatine: He can stop people from dying.
Anakin: Ohhhhhh!!!!
Palpatine: Good, got it?
Anakin: Sure. I’ve heard of guys like that before, they’re called “doctors.”
Palpatine: Just watch the giant silicone breast implant, there’s a good boy.
[Anakin disarms Mace Windu so Palpatine can kill him]
Anakin: What have I done?!!!
Palpatine: You’ve fulfilled your destiny.
Anakin: I mean, I helped you kill Master Windu! Obi-Wan’s gonna be pissed!
Palpatine: Listen to me... the Force is strong in you! You will be a powerful Sith!
Anakin: I can’t become a Sith! Obi-Wan’ll be pissed!
Palpatine: Listen, together we can use our power to end this conflict and prevent civil war.
Anakin: Oh, okay. Maybe that’ll stop Obi-Wan from getting too pissed.
Palpatine: Anakin, every single Jedi, including Obi-Wan, is now an enemy of the Republic.
Anakin: Even Obi-Wan?
Palpatine: Yes, that’s why I mentioned him by name-
Anakin: He’s gonna be pissed...
Palpatine: Because I know getting through to you can be a little hard.
[We can rebuild him... we have the vinyl]
Palpatine: Lord Vader... can you hear me?
Vader: Yes master. Where’s Padme? Is she all right?
Palpatine: It seems that in your anger you killed her.
Vader: What?! No!
Palpatine: Oh yes, as far as you know.
Vader: That can’t be, she was alive!
Palpatine: No she was dead, you gullible deep-fried bastard.
Vader: NOOOOO!!!!!
Palpatine: “Minty chlorophyll.”
Dooku’s Head: Can you build me a new body too, master?
Palpatine: No, if you can’t beat this idiot, you don’t deserve a body.
Vader: NOOOOOO!!!!!
Posted by Chuck at 08:26 PM | Comments (3)
May 13, 2005
CBS News, a Glutton for Punishment
Is CBS Doing it Again?
In a May 9th report on the judicial filibuster battle, CBS News quoted Ken Starr as coming out against the Republican's proposed use of the "nuclear option".
However, Ken Starr is now stating that the quotes that CBS used have been taken completely out of context.
"I have now seen the CBS report. Attached is an exchange with Steve Engle, who alerted me earlier today to the other dimensions of the wild misconstruction of what I said in the Gloria Borger interview. Here's a brief background. I sat on Saturday with Gloria Borger for 20 minutes approximately, had a wide ranging, on-camera discussion. In the piece that I have now seen, and which I gather has been lavishly quoted, CBS employed two snippets. The 'radical departure from our history' snippet was specifically addressed to the practice of invoking judicial philosophy as a grounds for voting against a qualified nominee of integrity and experience. I said in sharp language that that practice was wrong. I contrasted the current practice and that employed viciously against your [Engle's] father with what occurred during Ruth Ginsburg's nomination process as numerous Republicans voted, rightly, to confirm a former ACLU staff worker. They disagreed with her positions as a lawyer but they voted -- again rightly -- to confirm her. Why? Because elections, like ideas, have consequences. You know all this too well and indeed painfully well, as we remember the terrible ordeal of Bob Bork in 1987. In the interview I did indeed suggest and have suggested elsewhere that caution and prudence be exercised in shifting or modifying rules but I likewise made clear that the filibuster represents an entirely new use and misuse of a venerable tradition. Anyway our folks here at Pepperdine's public information office are scrambling to get the full transcript of the entire interview but our friends are way off base in assuming that the CBS snippets as used represent, A, my views, or B, what I in fact said. Kindly feel free to share this message with anybody you deem appropriate."
If this was merely a case of editing producing a mistaken view, wouldn't the reporter try to correct that impression? Gloria Borger had that oppurtunity during an exchange with Bob Schieffer at the end of the segment:
If what Starr says is true, then CBS News has willfully distorted his views. Already, editorials repeating Starr's statement associated with the slant put forth by the CBS report have appeared. From the Indianapolis Star
"Frist's threat to go nuclear isn't setting off alarms only among left-wing organizations and Democratic operatives. Conservative legal scholar Ken Starr, the former Whitewater prosecutor who is now dean of Pepperdine University law school, told CBS News that the Republicans' plan is a "radical, radical departure from our history and our traditions, and it amounts to an assault on the judicial branch of government."Ken Starr has been attempting to recieve the full transcript of his interview with Gloria Borger. Thus far, CBS has not done so and there are unconfirmed reports that it is in fact refusing to do so. If CBS News is stonewalling, it will illustrate that they have learned absolutly nothing from the Rathergate fiasco. Maybe they enjoy getting pummeled in the blogs and elsewhere. Or worse still, perhaps they just don't care.
Posted by Skayhan at 04:45 AM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2005
One Nation, Indivisible?
Kansas is at it again.
As if the Scopes Monkey Trial wasn't enough, the local brain trust in Dunghill, KS are holding hearings on evolution. Naturally, all of the intelligent, pro-evolution people (Scientists) chose to boycott this farce, declaring it as "rigged against evolution". Unsurprisingly, the board members at the hearing are all conservatives and the Christian Clown Brigade trotted out everyone from Jonathan Wells (Senior fellow of the "Discovery Institute") to an actual follower of another nutbar-with-a-Messiah-complex, Sun Myung Moon, to testify "against" evolution in their destructive quest to turn America into Jesusland. Check this out:
"What is it that they're afraid of?" Wells said, also in a statement. "If they are so sure they are right, they should have the courage to be cross-examined."
Cross-examined?! What the fuck is this supposed to be, anyway? Oh, that's right, a trial! Yes, evolution is on trial once again. Decades of facts and research and data are going toe to toe with Intelligent Design, also known as "creationism in a clown suit". The facts must be weighed! Well, the "facts" of Creationism versus the "evil, secular lies" of evolution. After all, it's quite difficult to argue for logic, reason and science when someone's beating you over the head with a five-pound bible.
I direct you to the esteemed Mr. Ron Reagan, who at the 2004 Democratic National Convention spoke so eloquently in support of stem cell research and who recently, and quite amusingly, smacked down Creationism on his show "Connected Coast to Coast":
"All that’s necessary for ignorance to triumph is that people who know better step aside and get out of its way. We might want to consider that as we sit back twiddling our thumbs and playing politics while Kansas spirals into the Dark Ages, dragging its unwitting children with it."
Ron Reagan makes a good point, because it's not about the search for truth; it's about politics, and the Christian Right attempting to force their definition of truth down the throats of American citizens.
Of course, his cohost Monica Crowley attempted, quite predictably, to defend it as "promoting an alternative viewpoint" or some such apologist nonsense bullshit that Christians use to try to slip their religious beliefs past the First Amendment and into the school curriculum. Why don't they realize that that is wrong?
Someone I spoke to recently made a very good point about that.
It's because a lot of Christians sincerely believe that "saving" people is the right thing to do. They are commanded to "spread the word of Jesus". And what better way to do it than to change the law so they can start teaching Christian beliefs in the schools?
Hey, here's a crazy idea! Why not teach Hindu creation beliefs as well? Well, there'd be uproar about that, no doubt, because it's "heathen" or "pagan" or "unChristian". What a bunch of horseshit. Their motives are as transparent as their deity.
I pledge allegiance, to the Flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with freedom and justice for all.
Posted by Dalton at 11:01 PM | Comments (2)
May 07, 2005
The Star Wars Original Trilogy DVD? Non!
In two short weeks, the final entry of the Star Wars saga will descend upon us. Already the media blitz hocking everything from video games to (oh for crying out loud) "Dark Side M&M's" assaults me at every turn. And while I may succumb to the temptation of evil candy (rot your teeth and your soul), there is one Star Wars item that I will never purchase: the original trilogy DVD.
Why would a self-professed Star Wars geek like myself refuse the cutting edge media format for my favorite saga? Well...
Greedo still shoots first. I had hoped that this abomination, which has been roundly denounced, would be restored to its classic form (find me one person outside of LucasFilm who applauded this change. And no, Steven "I turn guns into walkie-talkies" Spielberg doesn't count). The reasons that this is a cinematic sin have been oft told and need no retelling here. Save that are we supposed to believe that Han wasn't going to kill Greedo anyway, regardless of him actually shooting? The whole thing reminds me of a line from Gremlins 2: "Tonight, on the Clamp Cable Classic Movie Channel, don't miss Casablanca, now in full color and with a happier ending." That was a comment on Ted Turner supposedly ruining classic films by colorizing them. Ironically, Gremlins is a Spielberg movie.
Then there were things that actually needed fixing but weren't.
And then there is this scene, which has always vexed me. (right-click and zoom to full screen to make it easier to view)
How simple would it be to edit out the dead space like this?
But personally, I'd have done something like this:
And then there will be the mind-numbing commentary included in the "extras" features. I made the mistake once of listening to this for the Phantom Menace DVD. Combined with my reaction to the character of Jar-Jar, my first thought was to categorize this movie next to Showgirls (Yes, sadly I own this "film") as dangerous to one’s sanity. If you ever have trouble sleeping, put on the section of the deleted scenes where they go on for three hours about how they added the waterfall at Naboo and I guarantee you slumber in no time.
Here's a suggestion for directors and actors when they're making a commentary track: follow the example of View Askew's commentary track for Clerks and get drunk while you're watching the film and talk about what's happening on screen, or failing that, something vaguely interesting. I don't care to listen for half an hour about how you prepare to play pretend on screen or the difficulty in choosing a wardrobe designer. Rather, I wanted to hear Portman say, "Did anyone notice I seem to have camel toe in this scene?" or Lucas kicking a passed-out Ewan McGregor while asking, "Can you feel the Force now?" Perhaps it would simplify the idea to combine the wrap party with recording the commentary track. Just leave the mic in a room with the film running and let whoever wanders in say whatever they want. It certainly would have made it more interesting to wonder what couple added the twenty minutes of body-slapping heavy breathing during the pod-racing scene than what we are actually given.
But the main reason I will not buy the Stars Wars DVD is that I have bought this movie three times already! First I bought the digitally remastered VHS tapes when they came out. Then I bought "Star Wars Trilogy: The Definitive Collection" laserdisc set followed shortly by the Special Edition LDs. And I assure you that soon you will be faced with the option of buying the "Ultra Super Special Star Wars Six Pack" on DVD. I'm just going to wait ten more years for the HD-DVD. That at least might be worth the cost.
Now, the only reason I watch the SE LD despite the flaws noted above is that it is in 5.1 surround. But thanks to the availability of home video editing I will not have to suffer for much longer. For I will undertake the task that others have done and burn my own DVD from the laserdiscs, combing the best of both editions. I will have my Dolby Digital, 24 fps, no Vader gesturing without dialogue, Hayden will not appear at the end of Return of the Jedi, and Solo will shoot first. History will be preserved. Hallelujah!
Perhaps I'll even attempt to fix Ben's lightsaber while I'm at it.
Posted by Skayhan at 12:59 AM | Comments (2)
May 06, 2005
Just a little test
I know I haven't been writing much of late but that should soon be changing. In the meantime, I'm playing around with adding video. Please bear with any glitches.
Sure, I could put video of myself up, but who wants to look at that?
Okay. But remember, I warned you.
Posted by Skayhan at 03:54 AM | Comments (1)