ASVS Headline News

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June 27, 2005

Quake Marshal - In Color!

(Note: Chuck’s on vacation this month, so ASVS Headline News is proud to present some Best Of columns, drawing on Chuck’s many years of success with our fine publication.)

[Column originally published March 19, 2005]

I've given up discussing politics in a serious manner, and I have the Internet to thank for removing that shackle from my ankle. Part of the reason is, being a moderate, I tend to get jumped by both sides of the issue in a sort of "if you're not with us your against us mentality." For example, on gun control, I'm not on the side of people who want to take everyone's guns away, even those used for hunting or necessary for home defense, used by people trained in their proper use, safety, and the responsibility that comes with it. On the other side, I'm also not in favor of handing guns over to a guy with one revolving eyeball and a tendency to stutter when he sees a picture of a machine gun. So, it's not that I'm wishy-washy on issues that I'm a moderate, it's that the two extremes are so extreme that they wind up leaving me stranded in the middle, a target for both sides, even the ones without guns.

The other part is that I'm tired of being told that I'm responsible for all the bad things in the universe. I'm white, male, American, heterosexual, Christian, and I don't live in a large city. As a result, everything bad that happens to anybody has been indirectly caused by me; I can't get out of bed in the morning without oppressing someone, and if I stay in bed it's because I'm stereotypically lazy. I just can't win. Even if I killed myself I'd be lambasted for denying the rain forests much needed carbon dioxide. If I came up for a cure for death, I'd be criticized for putting funeral homes out of business. So I don't bother going out onto the internet and trying to have rational discussions with people using a dedicated T1 line who are telling me that all technology is destroying the planet. I can't do it any more. Not only is it asking me to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, there's a hole in the bottom of it, and nearby protestors are holding up signs saying "Forks Have Always Been Good Enough For Us!"

Still, despite this personal moratorium on such material, there are some aspects of it I feel are universally extreme enough that I can comment on them without too much problem. One is the latest remark from the tin foil hat brigade which says we have an earthquake making weapon (as seen in the documentary film The Core) that we used on Iran when they started rattling their nuclear saber. The proof is that we tested it in the Indian Ocean and caused the tsunami that led to such devastation. I'm not sure which amazes me more: that they'll come up with an idea that even Art Bell would find paranoid, or that they'll attach the deaths of thousands of people to their crackpot theory. If such a weapon were to ever exist, though, I would stay out of California the next time Michael Moore makes a movie; I have a feeling there's gonna be a 9.0 around that time.

While the earthquake machine may not necessarily have caused the problem, some people aren't taking any chances. You might remember that, in the wake of the tsunami, Americans joined in with several other countries in donating food, money, and materials to aid in the relief efforts in these disaster areas, so it's completely understandable why lawsuits are being brought against the US because of it (for certain small values of "understandable"). Apparently there's a group of lawyers who are alleging that the US and Thailand knew about the tsunami beforehand but did nothing to tell people about it. I haven't read why they think this was our fault, but it's probably for the usual reasons. I also fail to see any real motivation in it either. I mean, was Bush sitting in the Oval Office surrounded by stacks and stacks of life insurance policies he'd taken out on the residents of southern Asia? "Woohoo! I'm telling you, Dick, this'll be a real windfall!"

"Actually, Mr. President, I'm concerned people might find out we know about this tsunami."

"Don't worry; if that happens, I'll just declare marshal law." At this point Bush would don a black cowboy hat, little silver star, and begin galloping around the Oval Office."

"Um, Mr. President, I think you mean 'martial law' and-"

"Gid-dy-up gid-dy-up get along little doggies..."

"-and even then I don't see how that would help."

"Of course it'll help! Who's the marshal around here, huh? Me!"

Things have only gotten uglier since. Our soldiers shot up the Italians car, and they're upset that it was done on purpose. Ridiculous. We wouldn't deliberately fire on the Italians. That's what the earthquake machine's for.

Posted by Chuck at 06:18 PM | Comments (0)

June 26, 2005

Saving Wilmington

Yesterday, the residents of the northeast section of Wilmington, Delaware were treated to a impromptu police parade. As part of the day's festivities, workshops on rousting, vehicle checkpoints, and probation/parole enforcement were held. There were even raids of suspected drug houses for the amusement of the neighborhood children. A great time was had by all.

According to Wilmington Public Safety Director James Mosley, Operation Safe Communities is not merely about entertainment, but is also meant to raise public awareness of what police work is really about.

"We're here to get the criminal element out of this area and give it back to the citizens who have been prisoners in their own homes for too long," he said.

Of course, when (not if) this initiative is deemed a failure in the long haul, there is another plan, a comprehensive plan, that could be put into action to eliminate the crime plagued and economicaly challenged areas of Wilmington: Operation Bulldozer.

OB would be the second phase of the "Greater New Castle County" plan. Under this proposal, the entire northeast section of Wilmington between North Market Street and the Delaware River will be condemned and leveled to make way for a virtual cornicopia of tax revenue increasing hotel casinos and other entertainment complexes that would easily put Atlantic City to shame.

Efforts to secure Wayne Newton are already underway and five Elvis impersonators have been sighted within the city limits. Momentum is picking up.

The existing parks in the area will remain and will, in fact, be improved in numerous ways to provide a picturesque landscape for the visitor. The slots currently located at Delaware Park in Stanton will be maintained if they are able to sustain current profits while in competion with Las Wilmington.

Replacing eyesores such as the Riverside housing project and old sneakers dangling from telephone wires would be extravagent, dazzling structures and beckoning neon lights. Instead of the sounds of gunfire and sirens, only the wonderfully deafening sound of cha-ching into the public coffers would be heard.

Anticipating the outcry over the disposition of the people displaced by this most excellent change, it is suggested that free ferry service be provided to aid in relocation of them to the shores of Camden, New Jersey which, it is rumored, is planning its own revitaliztion project on their side of the Delaware River. Remember, the problems of the poor only matter if the poor in question reside within the borders of your state. Let's do it to them before they do it to us.

With its close proximity to Philadelphia and major transportion such as Amtrak/SEPTA (for easy access to NYC or Washington, DC), I-95, and major airports such as PHI and the forthcoming Delaware International, the possible tourist influx would be immense. Sussex County has already noted the possibilities inherent for the beach-going tourist and is tentatively looking at the option of completely revamping the shoreline from Rehoboth to Dewey with increasing the capacity of the train service between Wilmington and the shore points along with another line of casinos that would replace those weather beaten private homes along the beach in a plan with the current working title: Rio de Rehoboth.

A greater Delaware indeed!

Money Quote:

Gregg Wilson, New Castle County attorney, said the court's decision "appears to open some interesting opportunities to benefit the community, when used fairly and judiciously."

I'm betting there was a wink in there somewhere.

Posted by Skayhan at 01:16 PM | Comments (0)

June 24, 2005

A Greater New Castle, a Greater Delaware

When I first learned that the Delaware Air National Guard would be losing its base at the New Castle County Airport due to budget cuts and general force realignment, I thought that the best course of action for the airfield would be a plan to aggressivly expand its capacity. A regional airport situated halfway between Baltimore and Philadelphia International could be a lucrative deal for the city and county of New Castle as well as the state of Delaware. Given the favorable laws for business in the state and the inevitable tax incentives that would entail, I felt certain airlines would be drawn to it. There was only one problem: no room to expand.

The airport is bounded by Route 13 to the East and residential neiborhoods to the North and West. Although not an affluent area, the homes are well kept and no signs of blight can be discerned. It is unlikely that the city would have been able to condemn these lands in order to expand the airport even though it would be for a public use.

But now, thanks to the Supreme Courts decision in Kelo v. City of New London, all that has changed. Now that tax revenues are no longer "to be used for the public good" but are a public good unto themselves, it is possible to create an airport that can rival the best in the world and put BWI and PHI to shame.

Because the revenue generated for the community by a major airport would easily outmatch those by property taxes, there is no reason to confine the airport expansion to the area around the existing airfield. A whole new state of the art facility can be built over the razed neighborhoods that lie to the east of Route 13.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my well thought out and comprehensive plan for a greater New Castle: Delaware International Airport!

Airport code: DEI (see how far ahead the thinking for this plan is!)

Notice how we keep the county airport as it is in order to accomodate lighter aircraft and also support equipment for it's larger brother. Right there you have major cost saver!

Reasonable people may ask what will become of the families and small business owners who will be forced out because of this project. Well, the Supreme Court's decision cleary states, "Fuck 'em!" Besides, I'm sure they will be paid a fair price for their property. After all, why would a developer lowball a condemned property?

Business owners will have the option of having a store within one of the terminals; if they can afford it, of course. If they can't, Au Bon Pain or TGI Friday's is just waiting in the wings to scoop up the prime locations. Yes, a Friday's already exists in New Castle, but imagine one in each of the three terminals. By God, it would be grand!

Now sure, this plan effectively erases New Castle as any kind of residential city but think of the money and jobs that will be created. That is clearly a greater public good than anything like a nice neighborhood. Besides, most of the people living there are either minorities or poor white trash so in removing them, the city also reduces crime and poverty.

You may need to read that again in case you thought your eyes were decieving you. They were not. By building this airport, jobs will be created, revenue will be increased for the city, county, and state; plus crime and poverty will be eradicated. How much public good could you ask for?

This plan is indeed so comprehensive, so well thought out, and just so damn wise I'm amazing myself, which is no small feat in of itself. And satisfying my ego is perhaps the greatest public good there is.

Eminent Domain: All your home are belong to us!

EDIT: I take no credit for the last line, someone else said it first.

UPDATE: It has been pointed out to me that my plan does not take full advantage of the Kelo decision. To redress this oversight, I have returned to the drawing board and have come up with an even more comprehensive plan. If there were to be any left after I'm through, I'm sure that a school would have been named after me.

I will present my magnum opus for the state of Delaware later this evening.

Posted by Skayhan at 11:55 AM | Comments (1)

June 17, 2005

And then, Kevin Bacon walks in....

I was a fan of the Producers long before it ever went on stage, back when it was a forgotten piece of early Mel Brooks filmmaking. I own both the VHS and DVD versions of the film, in fact. Why, you may ask, is that the case? Is it the over-the-top performance of Zero Mostel? No. Is it the giggle-spawning nervousness of Gene Wilder? No. Is it the overall hilarious performance of Kenneth Mars? No, but it sure as hell doesn’t hurt. No, the reason for it all can be summed up in three little words:

Springtime for Hitler

This opening musical number has to be without a doubt one of the most hilarious pieces it’s ever been my privilege to witness. It’s a multi-faceted piece of satire that is a monument to bad taste in terms of substance and subject matter. New mathematics would need to be invented to describe the directions Brooks took this bit. I mean, the Swastika-shaped kickline, the tap dancing, the glorious decorations of Nazi banners in the background as if they somehow weren’t the symbol of evil itself. And the lyrics... “Springtime for Hitler and Germany/Winter for Poland and France/Springtime for Hitler and Germany/Now Germans go into your dance!” I once caught myself singing it under my breath at a Magic tournament; all I can say is that I’m grateful someone else had saw the picture, or they’d likely have strangled me there (Magic players have very strong hands, which comes from having to shuffle constantly and, let’s face it, not having girlfriends. Many a Magic player has had to tap a few basic lands, if you know what I mean.).

So why bring this up now? Producers? Good show but old news, Chuck. Well, the thing is, Mel Brooks has really kindled in me a kind of love affair with really bad over-the-top musicals (you can look at my rendition of Pr0n: How Al Gore Invented The Internet to see that). Long have I wished for something that could hope to raise even a candle to the majesty of Springtime for Hitler. At last, I think my search has reached its end.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Casablanca!

And not just a stage production of the Humphrey Bogart classic, no-no. This is a musical version! Plus... it has tap dancing! Tap dancing Ilsa and Rick Blaine! Tap dancing Renault! Dare I even wish it... tap dancing Nazis!

I would walk over broken glass to watch tap dancing Nazis.

Bringing this little bit of insanity into the world is China Arts And Entertainment Group and Time Warner. This would be the same Time Warner that thinks Bugs Bunny needs to go to the Xtreme (as the word is misspelled across the world; dropping the “e” off is about as rebellious an act as refusing to stop wearing white after Labor Day). An Xtreme Bugs Bunny would probably perfectly round out this entire production.

The production has just finished its premiere in Beijing and is now beginning a trip to foreign shores, rather like the Chinese Army I suppose, and probably just as welcome. When it comes to bad entertainment ideas, making a musical out of a successful work in another medium is at the top of the list. I mean, it’s practically cliché. It’s an Xtreme cliché, if you will. Sometimes bad ideas just seem to emerge so suddenly, shockingly, into the light it makes you wonder if there are forces of evil deliberately behind all this. This could easily be an Austin Powers subplot when you get right down to it. So, is Time Warner hoping to follow in the Mel Brooks-inspired plan of making more money with a flop than they can with a hit? It’s possible. I’m pretty sure Rick Berman has already proven the viability of this plot.

Of course, I don’t want to seem like I’m signaling out China and the creators of Casablanca for ridicule. The United States, still hanging on to the multi-billion dollar success of James Cameron’s Titanic is now home to a musical version of Titanic. I have a feeling Old Scratch himself was involved with this one. Where will the madness stop, I ask you? Perhaps no one can answer it. All I can do is quote another all-time great musical adaptation:

I hate every ape I see
From Chimpan-a to Chimpanzee
No you’ll never make a monkey out of me.....

Posted by Chuck at 06:28 PM | Comments (1)

Motor Morality

Two weeks ago I was to have embarked upon my vacation. I was either going to Europe or Asia (I hadn't yet decided) but it really wouldn't have mattered where I had wound up so long as I was out of Delaware.

Unfortunately, my plans were stillborn in the middle of April when my '89 Jeep suffered a complete breakdown. Within the course of a week, The front right tire developed a slow leak, the rear breaks needed repair, the radiator began to hemmorage, and finally, the transmission, feeling left out of all the fun, decided to go on strike.

Now I don't consider the car dead. Rather, it has entered a persistive immobile state. I have consulted with many auto mechanics who have recommended that I face up to the reality of the situation and junk the car. They said the Jeep had run its course and I would be facing undue financial and psychological hardship trying to keep the car running. Call me squimish but I was not yet ready to have it commited to the junkyard. And so the car has remained in stasis awaiting its fate.

But I had to continue on with my life. I needed to be able to get to work and carry out day to day errands. So shortly after the jeep became unresponsive, I purchased a new(er) car off eBay; a '94 Saab 900s. It is a much sleeker car than the Jeep and has greater safety features than its predecessor. Not to mention it has more bells and whistles which, like any guy, always catches my eye. I have indeed fallen in love with the Saab, but does that nessasarily mean that I am cold and callous toward the dispostion of the Jeep? No. It simply means that I am closer to finally doing what I should have done two months ago and put the Jeep out of its misery.

I hear the local AAA chapter is going to hold a candlelight vigil at the Chrysler plant in town and may also sue for custody of the Jeep. If they do so, I will fight it with every resource I have at my disposal. I may even court the preemptive action of selling it myself on eBay as a parts car. They can call it cruel to dismantle the car before it has passed but I need to recoup some of my losses. After all, because of this situation, I was unable to take my trip.

Which brings me to the point of this yarn. On the day I was originally to have left to whatever my destination was to have been, I ran into a woman I used to work with that I had always been attracted to but had never asked out. Not that day. On the spur of the moment, I asked her out. We've now been seeing each other for two weeks and believe me when I say she has all the bells and whistles I could ask for.

She even has the complete Farscape collection. Beat that!

Posted by Skayhan at 07:49 AM | Comments (0)

June 10, 2005

The Emperor Has No Face

Apparently there’s a-feuding going on in the community of on-line comic artists, and if you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, I’d venture you’re in the majority. I’ve only heard about it myself after a bit of a public war of essays between Scott McCloud and Penny Arcade’s Tycho, and having read both, I feel confident in saying that more people likely care about the speed of hyperdrive versus warp than this particular fight. Not that I hold any ill will towards these two; I’ve been reading Penny Arcade for years, and I own a copy of Understanding Comics. But in truth, this is not the most fascinating of topics to an outsider such as myself, and likely my brief introduction into it will be the end of the matter. Good luck to all parties involved, but I’ll just stick with reading the final product, since it seems the comic scene bears some resemblance to Bismark’s view of politics and sausage.

So, why would I bring up this point, you may ask. Because it touched in part onto something that has related to my years of involvement in my small Internet community. Some of the heat in this squabble has come from discussions of appearance, and a sort of fighting fire with fire seems to have taken place. Admittedly, the picture which started it all (an actual photograph that I would have sworn was from a Hollywood fake because it so plays the stereotype of the Internet nerd) wasn’t the most flattering, and pictures can also present really awful, awful views of someone at times. So it’s obvious why caricatures of the type involved in this mess could lead to some righteous indignation, or at least some sacrosanct indignation. The face put on us can have a powerful influence on how people look at us.

None of you have likely ever seen my face.

I’ve had six years over at ASVS, made friends, made enemies, told jokes, flamed away. I’ve got a section on the FAQ, a section on the Fanfic Archive, and an open invitation to write here. I feel that’s pretty good for a man who, in fact, has very little actual evidence to prove his own physical existence. I could be a head in a jar ala Futurama for all you know, or a Turin test gone horribly, horribly wrong. In point of fact, there’s nothing you can really substantiate about me without a whole lot of digging, and even then, you’re assuming the name I’ve been using is my real one. It gives me the opportunity to fabricate the details of my life, although I don’t. I leave that to the likes of pedophiles, bored teenagers, and Stewart at SDI (assuming I’m not being redundant here).

The result of this is that the face constructed is one you, the reader, puts there, rather than the one caused by genetic twists, environmental development, and the time Evil Kneebler hit me with that lump of wood. Some clues may give things away; the picture of my Borg children and my Germanic name indicate I’m likely Caucasian, but for the most part, you can color in the details as you see fit. Go ahead, I don’t mind.

This is a matter that relates to an approach I have to writing, which is that there are times when a character needs to not have a face. When you’re writing science fiction, it’s usually good to clarify that that shouldn’t be taken literally. In my serial, Galactic Revolutions, I’ve gone to a lot of trouble to deliberately avoid describing many prominent characters for exactly this reason. Like myself, you don’t have much to go on, a name, some possible hints to size and such, but for the most part the person reading gets to fill it in. Is Dr. Lacrosse black or white? Bald? Chubby? What’s the racial background of the incompetent Emperor? Decide for yourself.

It was in Penny Arcade where the artist Gabe, during his proposal to his girlfriend, wrote: “As an artist I have been convinced of the inadequacies of the written language when it comes to the descriptions of feelings or emotions.” Perhaps. As a writer, I’ve felt that brush and paint are inadequate tools for showing the way the world should be. The world of Galactic Revolutions is a flawed one, but what I consider ideal about it is that you can see and judge the people of the world based solely upon the words they say, the things they do, the thoughts the think, the dreams they aspire to. There’s nothing else you’re given.

There are some things that only words can do.

Posted by Chuck at 07:05 PM | Comments (0)

June 03, 2005

The Star Wars Paradox

I was four years old at the time, younger then than my own children are now. I can’t remember the specifics, just the flashes and montages that make up such early memories when viewed from the distant country of adulthood. But I can remember being excited, and frightened, and laughing, and cowering. I remember that everything was real as far as I was concerned, and that this truly was the story of the struggle between good and evil as it occurred long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. My parents, God bless ‘em, bought me some of the merchandise. I remember I had a Darth Vader folder; I would sometimes wonder, as I looked at the picture and the glowing pink lightsaber whether if you hit the blue button instead of the red one on his chest if he’d switch from evil to good. It turned out to be slightly more involved than that. My parents bought me some of the action figures; they were three dollars a piece, back when candy bars were a quarter. My father had injured his back on the job and been laid off, yet still they would sometimes shell out a few dollars to buy me some of those little toys. They also bought me a book of the movie, with photos, including some I didn’t remember from the film. I could be wrong, but I believe the book was the size of a small coffee table. As I said, I was four, but I was already learning to read and worked at trying to read the Star Wars book. It was, of course, too hard even for a determined boy like myself, but I did enjoy the pictures, especially the page where Darth Vader’s funny-looking TIE lay at the bottom of the page away from the rest of the picture, knocked loose just like in the movie.

I got to know the name of the creator of that story: George Lucas. Lucas has managed to simultaneously earn the love and hate of many of his own fans over the years, most of the latter stemming from the special edition revisions and the prequel films. I have never felt a great deal of negative emotion regarding either of those topics. I’m not an apologist; I will not say that Jar Jar Binks was a clever addition to the saga. I will not force myself to say that the beaky Sarlaac is an improvement when it’s obviously so silly. I will not say that Jake Lloyd gave a good performing. But I’m not mad about these things, and I never was. It’s just a movie.

Just a movie? What would that four year old boy say if he heard me dismiss the film in such a manner?

The answer is that he’d say what I’m saying, because that boy is me, just with 700% more life experience than he had. And in that time, I’ve discovered that what Star Wars did wasn’t just open a door to a wonderful universe for two hours, but rather a door to an entire genre that existed in film and television and those books that I was struggling so hard to understand. Lucas introduced me to science fiction, and I’ve stuck with it throughout those years. And over time, science fiction opened an interest into science fact. I’ve grown up, and Lucas helped influence how I grew, even though he’s never heard of me. So if that’s the case, why is it “just a movie?” Because having had that life experience to enjoy science fiction in its various forms, I can recognize it for what it is. It will always have a special place for me, naturally, but I’m not going to pretend that it’s something it isn’t.

I’m not speaking to others about how they should feel; it’s not my place. Nor would I think to criticize those whose love for the original films has led to outrage at the perceived intrusion of this new material into the original, although some take this to ridiculous conclusions (I’m not referring to those who just want their films as they originally were; I’m talking about those that wish Lucas were dead so that someone else could do things right).

George Lucas had a profound impact on my life. I can’t find it in myself to be angry with him over something as trivial as a film. What I have now is larger and more personal than any story anyone could ever tell. So whatever he does with it now, for good or ill, he gave me what I needed when I needed it, and that is a gift too great to quibble over who the hell fired first anyway. But George, if you’re reading this, I do have one last question: was I right about the blue button?

Posted by Chuck at 06:04 PM | Comments (0)