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June 27, 2005

Quake Marshal - In Color!

(Note: Chuck’s on vacation this month, so ASVS Headline News is proud to present some Best Of columns, drawing on Chuck’s many years of success with our fine publication.)

[Column originally published March 19, 2005]

I've given up discussing politics in a serious manner, and I have the Internet to thank for removing that shackle from my ankle. Part of the reason is, being a moderate, I tend to get jumped by both sides of the issue in a sort of "if you're not with us your against us mentality." For example, on gun control, I'm not on the side of people who want to take everyone's guns away, even those used for hunting or necessary for home defense, used by people trained in their proper use, safety, and the responsibility that comes with it. On the other side, I'm also not in favor of handing guns over to a guy with one revolving eyeball and a tendency to stutter when he sees a picture of a machine gun. So, it's not that I'm wishy-washy on issues that I'm a moderate, it's that the two extremes are so extreme that they wind up leaving me stranded in the middle, a target for both sides, even the ones without guns.

The other part is that I'm tired of being told that I'm responsible for all the bad things in the universe. I'm white, male, American, heterosexual, Christian, and I don't live in a large city. As a result, everything bad that happens to anybody has been indirectly caused by me; I can't get out of bed in the morning without oppressing someone, and if I stay in bed it's because I'm stereotypically lazy. I just can't win. Even if I killed myself I'd be lambasted for denying the rain forests much needed carbon dioxide. If I came up for a cure for death, I'd be criticized for putting funeral homes out of business. So I don't bother going out onto the internet and trying to have rational discussions with people using a dedicated T1 line who are telling me that all technology is destroying the planet. I can't do it any more. Not only is it asking me to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, there's a hole in the bottom of it, and nearby protestors are holding up signs saying "Forks Have Always Been Good Enough For Us!"

Still, despite this personal moratorium on such material, there are some aspects of it I feel are universally extreme enough that I can comment on them without too much problem. One is the latest remark from the tin foil hat brigade which says we have an earthquake making weapon (as seen in the documentary film The Core) that we used on Iran when they started rattling their nuclear saber. The proof is that we tested it in the Indian Ocean and caused the tsunami that led to such devastation. I'm not sure which amazes me more: that they'll come up with an idea that even Art Bell would find paranoid, or that they'll attach the deaths of thousands of people to their crackpot theory. If such a weapon were to ever exist, though, I would stay out of California the next time Michael Moore makes a movie; I have a feeling there's gonna be a 9.0 around that time.

While the earthquake machine may not necessarily have caused the problem, some people aren't taking any chances. You might remember that, in the wake of the tsunami, Americans joined in with several other countries in donating food, money, and materials to aid in the relief efforts in these disaster areas, so it's completely understandable why lawsuits are being brought against the US because of it (for certain small values of "understandable"). Apparently there's a group of lawyers who are alleging that the US and Thailand knew about the tsunami beforehand but did nothing to tell people about it. I haven't read why they think this was our fault, but it's probably for the usual reasons. I also fail to see any real motivation in it either. I mean, was Bush sitting in the Oval Office surrounded by stacks and stacks of life insurance policies he'd taken out on the residents of southern Asia? "Woohoo! I'm telling you, Dick, this'll be a real windfall!"

"Actually, Mr. President, I'm concerned people might find out we know about this tsunami."

"Don't worry; if that happens, I'll just declare marshal law." At this point Bush would don a black cowboy hat, little silver star, and begin galloping around the Oval Office."

"Um, Mr. President, I think you mean 'martial law' and-"

"Gid-dy-up gid-dy-up get along little doggies..."

"-and even then I don't see how that would help."

"Of course it'll help! Who's the marshal around here, huh? Me!"

Things have only gotten uglier since. Our soldiers shot up the Italians car, and they're upset that it was done on purpose. Ridiculous. We wouldn't deliberately fire on the Italians. That's what the earthquake machine's for.

Posted by Chuck at June 27, 2005 06:18 PM

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