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August 02, 2005
Great Things Come in Tiny Packages
The latest press release featuring everyone's favorite fearless leader, Kim Jong-il, is the most inspiring thing since John Kerry's Magical Hat Tour of last year. However, the news article as it stand on both the official North Korean site and Yahoo News seemed a tad bit sketchy on the details. And so our intrepid investigative reporters here at ASVS-HN went to work (for once) and, risking life and limb, managed to dig up the sections that were edited out. These deletions have now been restored so that the full context and meaning can be grasped by our faithful readers... all six of you. Portions originally redacted will be in red.From Yahoo News: SEOUL (Reuters) - North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-il never forgets a phone number, a cadre's career or a line of computer code. But he'll be dammed if he can remember just where he left those keys to the nuclear weapons fabrication plant. According to an article posted Tuesday on a Web site run by North Korea, Kim wakes up early every day for intensive memory training where he sits down and commits to his keen mind items such as the phone numbers of workers in his Stalinist state. "It's actually a lot of fun," he says, "After I memorize a number, I'll call them up. The conversation usually goes something like this:Hat tip: Ace of Spades HQThem: Hello?"Then there's the quiet sounds of footsteps as he goes to answer the door followed by the not so quiet sound of machine gun fire as my police execute him for lollygagging on the phone when he should be working! I've tried bombs but that leaves a terrible ringing in my ear." "I remember all computer codes and telephones that workers are using now," Kim was quoted as saying on the Web Site "Uri-Min-jok-kiri" (www.uriminzokkiri.dprkorea.com), or "Among our People.""The computer codes are simple since all codes are 'Kim Jong-il'. The phones were tricky at first but it has actually been getting easier as it seems there are fewer phone numbers in existance each passing day," he continued, "though I can't fathom why." Kim surprised a group of North Korean officials attending a meeting in 2002 by recalling all their phone numbers "with lightning speed," the site said. It took Kim all of one second to say, 'Zero'. On a day Kim visited a cemetery, he looked around at the tombs and he remembered the achievements ("He almost made it over the border"), characteristics ("He screamed like a little girl when we cut his legs off"), tastes ("Like Chicken"), and bereaved family members for hundreds of the dead by a quick glance at the names on tombstones ("Killed him, killed him, killed him, dad killed him, killed him..."), it said. "All the attendants were surprised at his incredible memory," the site says, "And just a little creeped out." North Korean propaganda is ripe with the amazing achievements of its Dear Leader. The highly controlled state also closely monitors its citizens to make sure they do not speak out against Kim or challenge his rule. Kim pilots jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies and accomplished a feat unmatched in the annals of professional golf by shooting 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played.
Me: Is this Mr. Faithful Worker?
Them: Yes, who is this?
Me: This is Kim Jong-il, Fearless Leader!
Them: Oh wow! This is such an honor!
Me: I know I know. Say, is that someone knocking at your door?
Them: No, there's no one... wait, someone is knocking now.
Me: Well go on, answer it. I'll wait.
Kim is still an avid golfer as shown in this picture taken last week. He only managed 10 holes-in-one that day. The Web Site said Kim told all workers they should develop their ability to memorize. "The memory of a person gets better when a person uses their brain often," he was quoted as saying. In honor of Kim Jong-il's superiority over all mere mortals, the North Korean government has opted to remove all current pictures of their Fearless Leader in favor of this more accurate visage:
Posted by Skayhan at 05:23 PM | Comments (0)