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October 27, 2005
Intelligent Design: an Admission
As the argument over whether ID should be taught in public schools begins to wind its way through a labyrinth that belies the very existence of intelligence, the US legal system, I feel it is time for me to come clean about the truth about the Power that guided the growth and diversity of life on Earth.
I did it.
There have been many complaints about My work; that it is not quite up to par with what is expected of a superior being. But to those who know Me, My revelation undoubtedly explains many of the quirks and holes in evolution. For everyone else, I hope to explain below why some things turned out apparently sub-standard. This is not meant to be a complete list by any means but, rather, a look into the mind and the situations that guided evolution.
The Dinosaurs: One word: octane
The Platypus: Sometimes you just want to see if it can be done.
The Blind Spot: I was simultaneously designing the human female breast, so I was a little distracted. This also explains two things: 1)why when you look at a pair of breasts, they seem to be staring right back at you and 2) why men's eyes naturally become fixated on those wonderfully soft bags of fun.
The Appendix: Like putting together an entertainment center that you bought at Ikea, you always seem to wind up with a few pieces left over. Looking back over the plans now, I think it was supposed to go on the end of the nose. Given humanity's penchant for those cute little button noses, I think the tradeoff for a slight chance of sudden painful death would be a welcome thing.
Sexual Reproduction: People needed something to do until the Playstation was invented.
The Female Orgasm: A practical joke gone horribly wrong. This one screw-up has probably led to more suffering than anything else inflicted on humanity, culminating in the contruction of the M3. I later tried to make up for it by allowing for multiple orgasms, but this turned out to be the origin of the phrase "too little too late."
Menstrual Cramps: After My above attempt at recompense were rebuffed, I admit to feeling a little bitter. I then tried to make up for this by balancing the equation with...
Male Pattern Baldness: I thought the trick of moving the hair off the head and down onto the back was a nice touch.
Homosexuality: Hot lesbians. I can happily watch an entire parade of gay men frolicking in dental floss for the chance to see two (or more) smoking chicks go at each other.
The Penis The main complaint about this piece of anatomy is that it is not aestetically pleasing. All I can say is wait a few thousand years for some of the more "colorful" features to kick into action. Hint: you'll be able to ask your partner to "taste the rainbow".
I believe that covers some of the highlights of the main questions people have about My work. However, if you have further questions, I will be more than happy to answer them for you. But to give fair warning, it's not likely going to match any preconcieved notions you hold dear.
And once again, I offer my sincerest apologies for any inconviences My work may have caused you. At least I'm not responsible for Battlefield Earth. That was Xenu's doing, so blame him.
Posted by Skayhan at October 27, 2005 01:17 PM
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