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October 03, 2005

Loungechairs On The Edge Of Forever

There are some things in the world I wish were untrue, and I'm putting aside the obvious. Certainly there is a long list of tragedies and attrocities which could have been prevented. The disaster in New Orleans was predicted, but when Katrina was on the way nobody saw it coming. When the people of China brought a communist government into power, no one saw it was going to lead to the slaughter of millions of Chinese by that same government. And I'm sure I don't have to point out that absolutely no one expected the Spanish Inquisition.

But aside of those kind of unpleasant truths, I'm actually referring to something else, to those true events that would be better served in the realm of human imagination rather than reality. Take feng shui, for example. This is a concept so bizarre, so clearly absurd in its entire concept, that it is almost impossible to imagine that anyone can take it seriously, nevermind shovel huge truckloads of money into it. Feng shui is the science of improving your good fortune through re-arranging your furniture. This makes Terry Pratchett's headology seem possible. It makes Douglas Adams' theory on achieving flight by throwing onesself at the ground and missing seem practical. This is an actual position people have adopted that, side-by-side with fictionalized nonsense, is hard to pick out.

I know my audience (assuming any are still there), so let me remind you of the key point before someone brings up religion. Feng shui is supposed to be a science. There are any number of flakes out their in religion who assert the science of their beliefs, but that's just what they are: the fringe. Every movement has the goofballs who gravitate towards cameras and microphones. Most religions and members of religions know the things they believe in are not scientific... that's why it's called "supernatural" rather than "natural." No one tosses an egg off a roof and tries to quantify the degree to which prayer will impact its, er, impact. If feng shui were a religion, or a matter of taste, or just a fun superstition, that's one thing. But there are people who actually hold to the position that feng shui, that moving your furniture to improve your good fortune, is a quantifiable activity. This is because it's one of those ancient things that came out of China, and therefore must be true. Let's just hope that the ancient Chinese science of foot-binding doesn't become popular again.

Am I picking on the Chinese? No, not really. It's a human culture, and it has flaws like many human cultures do. It's twenty-first century romanticism that wants to see the ancient teachings being more advanced than scientific truths of today. Which kind of makes you wonder about the Chinese people I mentioned at the start of this article. You'd think if anybody would have their furniture aligned for maximum fortune according to Chinese science, it would be people in China.

(As a bit of an aside, I just Googled “feng shui” to make one hundred percent sure I spelled it correctly, and came across the American Feng Shui Institute, “Center in the West that is dedicated to teaching the practice of Feng Shui as a scientific discipline.” Click on the link and right there on the front page is an astrology guide. I was already skeptical when I clicked the link, but damn! That’s like being told that magical crystals can cure you, and when you check with a consultant, are greeted by a witch-doctor.)

That brings me to another thing that I wish was confined strictly to the realm of human imagination, which was a recent appearance at a convention between the irresistible force and the immovable object. I'm now about to bring up Penny Arcade for the second time in this column's history, which is admittedly odd, but what the hell. Gabe and Tycho, creators of that strip, are pretty strong representative of the Generation X smartass. I should know, I see them at the meetings all the time. Funny, but with a bit of a cruel streak; they seem to enjoy it when they have an anemic opponent they can slap around mercilessly. They do not fear authority, as their confrontations with fellow cartoonists have shown. In short, they're a couple of self-confessed assholes.

Now take one Harlan Ellison. A popular opinion is that Ellison is a hotheaded, acerbic personality. I've also heard that he is one of those friends that will stick with you through thick and thicker. I'm just presenting both points of view here, since that's all I have to go by. Depending on who you talk to, he's a wonderful human being or a disturbing, Gollum-like creature. But it's at least agreed he's intelligent and could probably kill a man with a sample of well-refined wit.

Now, think about it: wouldn't it be funny to stick these three up on the same stage at a convention and let nature take its course? Oh, hell yeah! It's easy to imagine the kind of exchanges that would take place as things escalated, with the two Penny Arcaders tag-teaming Ellison, and Ellison holding both back like some verbal ninja. It would be an epic verbal fight. But like many things you know would be funny, you shouldn't actually do it. So, yeah, someone put Gabe and Tycho on the same stage as Ellison, and things happened. So far it's only been from the PA point of view, because let's face it, if I mixed it up with Walter Koenig, he's going to be far less likely than I to bring it up. But even PA's rendition makes the whole affair far less funny then it would seem on paper. It was one of those fights that would have been better served in the imagination.

So ASVSers, maybe we should keep arguing and hope they never do make that movie. The stories we ourselves craft may be better than any studio could ever achieve for real.

Posted by Chuck at October 3, 2005 08:07 PM

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