""Is sarcastic humor impossible to recognize unless it has Monty Python stamped on it?"
- Lord Poe
|
A.S.V.S Headline News ""Is sarcastic humor impossible to recognize unless it has Monty Python stamped on it?" - Lord Poe |
|
DarkStar is Dead
Missouri police are still baffled as to the circumstances that led to the tragic death of Robert Scott Anderson early Thursday morning. Anderson, known on the internet as DarkStar or Guardian2000, was struck and killed by a speeding automobile as he was running down a busy highway near the University of Missouri where he was employed.
|
According to eyewitness
reports, Anderson ran back and forth I-70 during the morning rush hour carrying a
cardboard sign over his head. Written in purple crayon on both sides of the placard was
the strange slogan "I AM CANON - YOU ARE EU - WE ARE PARALLEL". St. Louis police detective John Frankle said, "Clearly, this was a troubled young man. From what we've been able to gather from his co-workers, it apparently seems that Mr. Anderson was attempting to prove some theory of his. I'm not sure if he was successful or not." |
At approximately 7:30 AM, police responded to reports of a pedestrian on I-70 and initially tried to talk Anderson off the highway for his own safety. According to Sgt. Dan Sansweet who was first on the scene, Anderson resisted their entreaties and threateningly shook his sign at them. "He wouldn't stop. We came along side and asked him if he would talk to us about what he was doing. He shouted that he had already explained his theory and it was not his fault that we missed it. We tried to get him to peacefully get in our squad car but he insisted that we didn't intrude on his universe. After ten minutes of this we got fed up and pulled onto the shoulder a couple hundred yards ahead of Mr. Anderson to wait and see if he would tire and give himself up. I was into my third donut when the first car clipped him."
The impact ripped his right arm below the shoulder and spun him around. Seemingly unfazed, Anderson continued moving; waving the sign wildly with his only remaining hand. Another car then caught him on the left side, tearing off his other arm and causing it to sail through the air only to fly into an open school bus window and onto a third graders lap. The child went on to win first place in his school's Halloween costume contest for his "three armed freak" before police recovered the limb.
| Amazingly, even this did
not stop Anderson. Somehow he managed to pick his sign up in his teeth and carry on. He
made it about another twenty feet when he was hit from behind. He was sent flying in the
air feet first into the back of a tree service truck. Police are still at a loss as to how
the chipper turned itself on. "Yeah, that's when it got real messy," explained officer Cerasi, "the blood got everywhere. I even had to throw out my coffee. Anyway, the chipper chewed up his legs to about the knee then it kicked him out and he somehow landed upright back in the middle of the road standing on those bloody stumps. What I can't believe is that he still had that stupid sign in his mouth." Mr. Anderson was then crushed beneath a runaway Blue Note's Zambonie and died shortly after of gangrene. |
|
Police were asked why they did not block off traffic on the highway so as to avoid this senseless tragedy.
"Gee, we never thought about that," said Sansweet, "That's a really good idea. Bob, write that down."
