A.S.V.S Headline News "All the spam that's fit to print"

Inside the Temple Walls

Author's note: The preceding is one the the most revered sacraments of the Disciples of Wong (DoW) and marks the first time that anyone outside the faith has been allowed to witness the service. Over the lengthy course of an hour or so, I came to know and understand this relatively new religion; a system of beliefs which has been cloaked somewhat purposely in myth and secrecy and had also been gravely misunderstood by the outside world. It is my hope that through this article, many misconceptions that have persisted may be resolved and a better understanding of the people who adhere to its principles will be reached.

History

The DoWs were born amid the last of the Great Debates which raged across the Internet.  Inspired by the teaching of the Prophet Wong, a small group of people banded together under the leadership of High-Priestess Thelea and dedicated themselves to live according to his words. They also believed it was their obligation to spread the holy writ to the unknowing and unbelieving. And if the object of conversion was unwilling, to "cram it down their throats until they choked". It was with the latter intent that the DoWs set their sights on their first missionary crusade: Spacebattles. It was an utter, but very entertaining, failure.

Battered but not broken, the DoWs returned to their temple, which at that time was naught but a restroom in the local Denny's. An "out of order" sign on the door kept prying eyes away. A brief power struggle ensured and almost resulted in Thelea being supplanted by Commissar Sanchez. Luckily, the restaurant manager removed them from the premises before blood was spilled. In the parking lot outside, Thelea's position was reaffirmed by the DoWs and Sanchez was anointed "Defender of the Church". It was here that changes in doctrine, that were to greatly affect the future of the DoWs, were made. However, those changes were never implemented and what they were no one can seem to recall.

Nevertheless, over the next few years the DoWs' numbers swelled. And then in the summer of last year, after relentless prayer,  petitioning, and threatening, a homeland  directly under the command and protection of their prophet was created for them where they would no longer be persecuted for their faith. Today, the DoWs have grown from the original four or five to a host of over 1400.

People, Myths, and Malcontents

To see them in everyday life, one would never be able pick out a DoW from amongst a crowd. They come from all races, ages, and persuasions.  The only known way of exposing a DoW is their involuntary reaction to the words "Berman and Braga". This is an anathema to them and will usually cause their eyes to bulge, teeth to clench, and, in extreme zealots, an uncontrollable urge to throttle the person who spoke the words. It is recommended that if you suspect a friend or coworker of being a DoW, let them bring up the subject, for safety sake.

It is only in private or in services that a DoW releases this side of their being. "If we spoke or behaved in the outside world as we do here," one member said, "people would be much more intolerant of us than that already are." And truer words have never been spoken, for amongst themselves, the DoWs are blunt, somewhat vulgar, and ready to pounce upon other members for transgressions (real or imagined) against the precepts of the church. And regardless of ranking in this society, no one, not even the Prophet himself, is immune from this. The philosophy behind this is, as Aerius explained, "Because you touch yourself at night."

This aggressive nature may make it appear as though outsiders are not welcome. This is not true.  Visitors often wander through the homeland of the DoWs and come away feeling uplifted; that they have experienced something rare and wonderful. Many of these tourist often return to become full-fledged members of the DoWs. It is only when a guest becomes unruly or attempts to force their preconception on the DoWs that the offered hospitality will quickly evaporate. The so-called victims of the DoWs often cry loud and long to any that will listen. This, more than anything else, has perpetuated the worst misconception of the DoWs. Unfortunately, the DoWs have done little in the way of public relations. The official word on presenting a positive face to the world is "Fuck it!".

There have also been former members who have decried the DoWs. Most recently, a previously high-ranked official of the church who had left under a cloud of controversy briefly returned to berate the faithful and their Prophet. One of the claims made was that the DoWs were all a bunch of "yes men" who blindly agreed to whatever the Prophet told them. (in consideration for this person a translation of this page is available here - the Ed.)

"That's bunk," retorted Durandal, a current church official, "Why just the other day Lord Wong told me to stop being a groveling, disgusting, sycophant and I told him 'Of course, your Grace, I will stop immediately.'  So you can plainly see that this accusation is completely baseless. And if I hear just one more person say "me too" around here I'm gonna declare martial law and lock it all down because I have the power and you don't so....... Sorry, I'm a little stressed out right now. I'd have a drink to loosen up but the man's oppressing me........Look, people are free to come and go here. We don't keep anyone under lock and key. Well, maybe Chardok, but that's in everyone's best interest."

WeeMadAndo, while foaming at the mouth, added, "Fucking Americans!" It should be understood, however,  this is his comment on most subjects.

Enemies of the Church

According to doctrine, foes of the DoWs can be defined in two words: stupid people. It is interesting to note that the most hated of these are followers of a somewhat similar figure as Wong is to the DoWs. Oddly, this person was once a citizen of the DoW homeland, though he never converted. Stranger still, he is dead. A year ago to this day he was killed in a freak accident and his mangled corpse dropped into the Mississippi River to be washed out to sea. However, rumors soon began to emerge of people claiming to have seen him "risen from the grave". It was quickly shown that the common thread among those that made such claims was a singularly negative view of the DoWs. Though widely dismissed, the reports continued and soon a cult began to form around this, as his followers say, saviour.

"The Trekkie Messiah had come!" they cry, "His return was foretold and signals the end of the evil Disciples of Wong. We will drive them and their ilk into the sea as they tried to do to our master." This cult has not as yet revealed thier name publicly, but many have taken to having a distinctive picture adorne the walls of thier homes or emblazoned on T-shirts in order to both profess their faith and readily identify one another. The DoWs are well aware of this group and monitor them from time to time as a prudent measure should any conflict erupt. In the course of this action, they have uncovered many secrets which this "Trekkie Messiah" cult has tried to hide from the world including what they call themselves.  "Well, yes, they do have a name for themselves," explained the Master of Ossus , "I cannot tell you because revealing it here would jeopordize certain intelligence sources. But we simply prefer to call them 'the Church of the Babbling Idiot'. It's more accurate."

Epilogue

During an unescorted excursion through the DoW homeland, I had a chance encounter with Lord Wong himself. In the few moments we spent together, I asked him how he felt about these people living on his land and, moreover, worshipping him as though he were a deity.

"It's really quite simple, he replied, "I tolerate them because, as of last year, the Disciples of Wong qualify for tax-exempt status as a non-profit religious entity. Hell of an ironic bonus, eh? But don't tell any of them I said that that, okay? Besides, I think this is a great place to promote the pursuit of peace, harmony, and anal sex. "

Today's Quotes
I would have written a satire of Nemesis when it was released last November, but Berman and Braga got to it first. - Phil Skayhan

Aw...poor baby. Darkstar is such a little pussy that he has to ape my every move! "I got a videeyo of my own! Ha HAH!" Hey, Scooter, I'm scratching my balls right now. Try and match that you gelded wonder. - Wayne Poe

Back to Contents