A.S.V.S Headline News 
A.S.V.S Headline News
ASVS-HN Editor Escapes
Captor
A product of Spacebattle's
inbreeding?
Early Sunday morning, a man in tattered clothing was found alongside Rt. 3 near Giant's Stadium. Phil Skayhan, Editor-in-Chief of A.S.V.S. Headline News, was the apparent victim of a brutal assault and kidnapping. He was taken to Clara Maas Hospital in Belleville to be treated for various injuries and listed as being in stable condition.
Dr. Chris Lucas, attending physician, told reporters the extent and nature of the injuries, "This is an unusual case. While the nature of most of the contusions and abrasion found on the body of Mr. Skayhan are consistent with those that one would expect to find from a human attack, there are others that defy explanation. For example, the marks around the neck indicate that the attacker's thumbs are significantly longer than a normal man's and the bite mark on the left shoulder shows evidence of eight wisdom teeth whereas a human has only four. There are also hair and skin samples that are still currently being analyzed but preliminary results are more consistent with a primate than a human. It was fortunate that he was found when he was, another hour perhaps and he might have died."
Mr. Skayhan described his assailant to police as "big, ugly, and stupid." Based on this description, the police released a sketch (above photo) and asked that if anyone had any information to come forward. A number of people did respond, all indicating the same person. However, Patrick Ewing's alibi was firmly established. The investigation is ongoing.
In a brief telephone interview, Mr. Skayhan related what happened. "It was last Monday and I was sitting at home preparing to publish the next edition of ASVS-HN, when this thing crashed through the door. It looked like something out of the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It was howling something about cheese and then in hit me with what looked like a large tree branch. I don't remember much after that until I woke up here in the hospital. It was really quite terrifying and now I just want to put it behind me... once I sell the movie rights to Hollywood."
On ASVS, the disappearance of Phil Skayhan did not go unnoticed. Rob Dalton sounded the alarm in the thread "Where the Phuck is Phil?" saying, "No poster that sparse has a clocking device." Most of the other denizens believed him to be deep undercover investigating a story. The thread eventually devolved into an in-depth discussion on the nature of toilets. (Gee, thanks guys...I'm now hoping you don't print these stories - Ed.)
Comings and Goings
Commander Thelea marked her return to the NG with the posting of "Fist of the Empire, Pt 2; Chapter 7a". The long awaited sequel was devoured by the fanfic-hungry hordes of ASVS. The Commander had been absent for some time from the NG busy with many offline duties and other resposibilities; although reliable sources have claimed to have sited her on Bryan Young's site discussing the tech of Battlestars. She promised to have further additions to the epic added at a faster rate.
Lt. Hit-Man leaves ASVS; perhaps forever. Best known for dealing out death and dismemberment with the same artistry as Michealangelo did the Sistine Chapel, his presense will be sorely missed. ASVS-HN wishes him the best of luck and hopes for his eventual return.
Today's
Embarrassing Photo
Cut me some slack! It was six
months before Star Wars came out!
Other News
Chris O'Farrell becomes the latest (last?) victim of Lt. Hit-Man.
Once again, Rob Dalton wins the "Sad Git" award for July with 1187 posts.
The delegates from New York stated their opposition to the Democratic candidate in no uncertain terms.
Wayne Poe and Jonathan Boyd continue their saga in "The Boydta War".
The official policy of Paramount on "canon" is more confusing that Paul Jaques H. Jr.'s logic. John Ordorver denies dropping acid while maintaining continuality in Star Trek novels.
Kiss your loved ones good-bye, the thread is back!