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A.S.V.S Headline News "All the spam that's fit to print" |
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The Newsgroup is Dead
| There. I said it. It has been far too long in
coming but someone had to come out and speak the truth. Last week was my fourth anniversary here and as I looked out upon the landscape of ASVS, I failed to see anything reminiscent of its former greatness. The sacred lynching tree at the center of town lies unused as it has for months, there is naught but dried blood on the floor of the Tourist Information Center, and the sheep graze unmolested. Even the donut shop has gone out of business since Dalton began feasting regularly in the next town over. True, Charles Sonnenburg continues to tell great tales by the fire in the tavern. But what once caused mighty throngs to gather and listen now merely draws a humble crowd. There had been hope that the release of Nemesis last fall would breath new life into our fair village. Sadly, those dreams were dashed like a skiff adrift in a typhoon against the jagged rocks of Berman and Braga. Is there nothing that can be done to turn the tide? Or shall ASVS fade; not in the flames of destruction as so many once believed, but in silence and apathy? |
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There may indeed be an answer and ironically it is Star Trek: Voyager that has shown us the way:
We could hit the Reset Button.
This is not an action to be taken lightly. Realize that in doing so, all we have striven
for lo these many years will be undone in an instant. The wondrous calcs and glorious
essays will be obliterated from existence, the hideous trolls shall be released from their
imprisonment and we shall suffer once more under their yoke, the ego of Strowbridge shall
be laid low (though this is probably a good thing), and knowledge of the Fruity Man-Whore
and his Crack Smoking Donkey-Fucker will be no more. The phrase "Concession
accepted" and all quips, slings, and flames stored in the treasurehouse of the FUQ
will be lost to us. Yes, even ASVS-HN will cease to be.
But what of the FAQ? Will it too be destroyed by the Reset? Will Mount Asskick tremble
from its foundation, crumbling in on itself and burying the Holy Writ for all time? I do
not know. The powers of the FAQ are beyond mortal comprehension. Most people believe it
too will be wiped from the universe along with everything else. There is one, however, who
says it would rise like the mighty Phoenix from the ashes of destruction attended by
hordes of scantily-clad Valkyrie (who all bear a strange resemblance to Raven) and descend
upon the Earth wreaking terrible vengeance on those who sought to threaten it. But most
people agree that RayCav is a loon.
The ritual required to invoke the reset is intricate and dangerous. All of the citizens of
ASVS must gather at midnight in the center of town during a full moon around a raging
bonfire. Each person is to place in the fire the post they are most proud of writing.
Then, as the smoke billows up into the night skies, hands shall be joined and the people
are to sing Kumbaya. If this formal ritual fails, simply have Boyd and Kynes
kiss. Don't worry, the Reset will wipe the memory from your minds....I hope.
Farewell my friends. I look forward to meeting you for the first time again.
RESET