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SDI Dean Fired
| Crystal Lake, Il. - Stewart Davies was removed as dean of the presitgious
"Statigic Defense Instatute" as a majority of the board of directors voted
"no confidence" in the SDI leadership at an emergency meeting last Friday.
Plagued by accusations of fraud and deceit, Mr. Davies had been under the gun since the
beginning of the year. Unable to dissuade his detractors, the number of people calling for
his resignation has increased daily. However, Davies has stated that he will never
willingly relinquish his position. SDI stock dropped 23% during the month of February to a
value of 56 Pokeman trading cards. Faced with possible bankruptcy and rumors of a hostile takeover by his little sister's Tea Party Consortium, an emergency meeting of the board was called for by Bobby Hemler during recess Wednesday after gym class. The motions was quickly seconded and the Friday date was settled on during lunch period. |
 The board celebrates after the vote |
Gathering at their super-secret headquarters (a tree fort in the Hemler's backyard), a litany of complaints against the dean was read into the record:
Inflating his involvement in the Great Snowball Massacre of 2002 (losing side) into claims of being a Vietnam veteran.
His regular pummeling by Brownie Troop 419 non-withstanding, Davies repeatedly claimed to be an expert of the marital arts.
Fabrication of a college educational background conflicting with the fact that he attends an elementary school along with the rest of the board of directors. When asked to identify the location in Germany where he supposedly obtained his General Science degree, Davies confidently pointed to the middle of the Atlantic.
Misspelling Strategic Defense Institute on all official publications and refusing to correct said error.
Failure to provide cupcakes and cookies when it was his turn.
Being an all around chowder-head.
 The new Dean |
After the votes were tallied, it was quickly decided to expel Davies from the institute. Max, a beagle, was named interim dean until a permanent replacement may be chosen. Upon learning of his elevation within the institute, Max rolled over and began vigorously licking himself. "Already he has shown more leadership than Stewart did in all his time as dean," said John Reilly, head of SDI's cooties research program. Stewart Davies was unavailable for comment. "It's past his bedtime," his mother said, "Call back tomorrow." |