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Troll Theater

Tonight's episode features Wes Hutchings

"Thank you for watching our first program in a series called "Troll Theatre".

As you can see at the beginning of our demonstration, the antagonist, or troll, asked what the definition of a troll is.
Google Link
The main protagonist then enters, gives the definition, and proceeds to use the antagonist to illustrate how the application of the definition is applied.

Let us review the definition as stated in the FAQ and how it applies to the antagonist...

ASVS FAQ Sec 30. Why are people calling me a "troll"?

If you don't know, a troll is an individual who appears in a newsgroup and wants to cause trouble rather than contribute.
a) Posted a message saying "ST SUX" or "SW RULEZ"
b) Posted a message describing graphic pornographic acts about newsgroup members or Star Wars/Star Trek characters.
c) Posted your opinion as if it were a universal fact, rather than supplying evidence.
d) Posted a question that is answered in this FAQ.
e) Made a claim that shows you haven't even read the official Rules (claimed Star Wars weapons are lasers, claimed warp drive is faster than hyperdrive, mentioned facts from The Die Is Cast that have already been discussed, etc.).

For our demonstration we chose "C". Notice how during the thread, the troll does not supply one piece of evidence that supports his claim. He believes that his opinion should carry more weight than any official or even canon <cough..hah..cough> sorry ladies and gentleman I can't help laughing when I say that. Eh hem...more weight than BAH HAHAHHAH!! Anyway you understand what I'm trying to say. He will even go as far as to say that he has offered evidence when clearly this is not true. Google Link

Moving on, when the troll does provide evidence, it full of what one person might call glaring omissions, but what most people refer to as lies. Note the typical troll behavior as the protagonist identifies his lies. The troll becomes enraged and demands that the protagonist "say it to his face"; suggesting a physical threat. Troll are well known for making empty threats and you should treat this troll tactic as such. Google Link

Hypocrisy is the hallmark of the common troll. Any source, whether canon, official, or merely wishful thinking, which supports his position in one argument must be accepted as dogma. Yet if those same sources (sans wishful thinking) do not support his stance in another debate the troll refuses to accept their relevance and position in canon hierarchy. Google Link

A troll will also deny obvious conclusive evidence presented to him by any means at his disposal. The more damning the evidence is to his case the more he will decry its validity. Of, course his authority in denouncement derives solely from his delusional mind. In the demonstration, this presented itself as the troll proclaimed, as ridiculous as it may seem, that "if one source states 'missile' and the other 'concussion missile' then the two are in opposition and thus invalidated". One may only attribute such lack of basic reading fundamentals in regard to adjectives to a result of Home Schooling. Google Link (the whole thread really)

An attempt to closely associate one's self with the source of the material (in this case George Lucas) is yet another strategy of a troll. Our is no exception. By claiming that his mom went to high school with Lucas and that he himself grew up in the same town, we are expected to believe the troll knows the intentions of Lucas when making the film. In truth, all they might have shared in common is a zip code and, given the trolls propensity to lie, even this is called into doubt. Google Link  It is also interesting that while claiming to know Lucas, he admits that Lucas will not hire him to work for LucasFilm. Makes you wonder.....

Also of significance is the demeanor of the language. No where in the demonstration did the protagonist use any profanities or make any condescending remarks to or about the antagonist. However, the antagonist frequently does make such comments to and about the protagonist. This is a common troll tactic in which he hope to devolve the thread into what is known as a "flamewar". There is nothing more frustrating to a troll than a person who does not respond to flames. Google Link

However, a troll is most easily identified by his blatant stupidity. He is most easily outwitted; especially when he believes he in the one being witty. The troll in our demonstration is a shining example of what happens to the frontal lobe of offspring when family inbreeding occurs over the course of generations. The subsequent feelings of inadequacy and isolation cause the troll to lash out irrationally which is compounded further by his paranoia of persecution leading into a vicious cycle.

The best thing about using an incredibly dense troll? He did not even realize he was being used in a demonstration of troll tendencies.

Tonight's demonstration was of only one type of troll known as a Ferrous Cranius or the more common term, Shithead. Now that you know how to identify this type of troll, you can safely avoid it in your future travels through Usenet.

Join us for our next episode as we explore the myriad of forms a troll might take.

I'm Phil Skayhan and this has been...
<dramatic music swells>

ASVS Troll Theater

Our Hero

Phil Skayhan

The Good Guys

Graeme Dice
Rob Dalton
Matt Hyde
Stuart Mackey
Thomas S. McDonald
C.S. Strowbridge
Kynes

The Troll

Wes Hutchings as played by Al Gore

Troll Henchmen

Bill Kohlleppel
C'Pi

Town Whore

Bill Kohlleppel's Mom

Extras

DMZ
K. Jackson
Todd Flanders
James More
Bill Leary
Jostein Hakestad
Lurker
Crayz9000
John Smith
Andras Otto Schneider

Special Appearance by Darth Scooby

El Boydo appears courtesy of Kynes Productions Lmt.

Bathroom appears courtesy of American Scientific

Troll Theater is based on the thread ATTN: Bill Kohllepel Re- You're a Moron by Cmdrwilkens

Produced in association with ASVS Headline News

Special thanks and appreciation go out to the following:
ASVS and AFS (for putting up with the crossposting)
Jessica Alba and Jeri Ryan (for just being)
Chuck Sonnenburg (for providing well needed humor)
Lt. Hit-Man (for various gruesome troll slayings and general carnage)
Wayne Poe (for his honest input)
Bill Kohlleppel's Mom (for being able to suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose in five seconds)

Extra special "No thanks fuck you" go out to the following:
Al Gore aka Wes Hutchings
William the Angry Dwarf aka Bill Kohleppel
C'Pi (for being a twit in general)

Recorded in Dolby(tm) Surround

copyright 2002 ASVS-HN Production all rights reserved

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