A.S.V.S Headline News
"All the spam that's fit to print"

The Passing of Voyager

For the past six years, there has been one consistent part of my life. Every Wednesday evening, I would stretch out on my sofa, turn on the tube, and for the next hour recite a litany of expletives. Interspersed among these were "morons", "idiots", and the most frequent comment of them all: "stupid bitch". The object of my ire was the show Star Trek:Voyager.

For five years I expected the show to be cancelled, yet like a stubborn turd it kept coming back. Finally, Paramount has decided to pull the plug on what many consider to be the worst part of the Star Trek franchise. Who says prayers don't work?

The premise of the show was sound enough. A Federation ship is stranded in the other side of the galaxy and must find its way home. Along the way they were to encounter new and interesting species and so have a weekly story. This was a good idea and it might have indeed worked if they had ever tried to adhere to it. Certainly, they met many new species. However, the crew of Voyager invariably pissed them off. Yes, they were trying to get home. But only if you consider home the afterlife as they seemed all too eager to jump into harms way for no particular reason. Here is an example that is the norm rather than the exception:

Kim: Sensors detect explosions and debris ahead.
Janeway: I see no reason to alter our course.
Audience: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Which brings me to the crux of my problem with Voyager: The characters are morons and I wouldn't care if they all were killed off in the final episode.

Captain Catherine Janeway: Someone who is this careless with her crew's lives should not be in command. Throughout the series, she has shown about as much command ability as a dirty ashtray. Simply being smart does not make one a leader. Especially when the person in question is emotionally unstable.Whenever faced with a decision that had two poor outcomes, she would find a third that was even worse. The truth is that she would have made an excellent science officer or maybe an engineer, but to give her command of a starship is manifest lunacy. She demands her crew adhere to Starfleet Directives and punishes them for the slightest infraction. Yet for herself these same directives seem like mere suggestion especially the Prime Directive.   I have no doubt that when Voyager was damaged by the Caretaker array, the two things that were irrevocably wiped from the replicator banks were Thorozine and Marlboro.

Janeway falls into what I term the "Gilligan Syndrome". Like the character of the same name and Dr. Smith from "Lost in Space", the crews of the Minnow, Jupiter II and Voyager would have been home by the end of the first year if they had just killed their "Gilligan".

Tuvok: Vulcan and boring. Should have been the first to spot Janeway's incompetence, but never did.

Chakotay: I might be in the minority here but I think that he would have made a better captain. Whenever he made a decision, it was quick and usually made sense. Unfortunately, his character was damaged by his need for a "Spirit Guide" and other nonsense. Almost had sex with Janeway (at the time she was the only woman on the planet) but luckily was rescued.

Tom Paris: Was originally supposed to be the bad boy but could never quite pull it off. Maybe he shouldn't have been so clean cut (grow some facial hair for starters) and subservient. Had sex with Janeway but redeemed himself by knocking-up Torres.

Torres: Managed to be sexy even with that huge gaping forehead. One of the few that I had no real problems with.

Ensign Kim: What does it take to be promoted on this ship, an act of God? Was offered sex by 7of 9 but turned her down! It should come as no surprise that Starfleet HQ is located in San Francisco. Did have sex with a real girl once but got in trouble for it by Janeway because of some stupid directive. (Mind you, she had fooled around with an alien without medical clearance)

The Doctor: The best one of the lot. Is more human than any other crew member. The doctor is also my hero because he keeps a record of Janeway's most questionable decisions. At last, someone who thinks! Lord knows we couldn't expect this of a real person. But if he must die so that the others will too, then so be it.

Seven of Nine: Smart, assertive, Borg-implants...'nuff said.

Neelix: Short, stupid, annoying....makes one think the favorite program on the holodeck is "Beat Neelix to Death with a Pointy Stick"

So as we bid adieu to Voyager, look back and share your favorite moment. Just please remember to flush after you're done.

Your Memories of Voyager

I can't remember the last time I watched Voyager, but I do remember cringing and grimacing with each insipid line. - Dalton

Watching Voyager smash herself  to pieces against the Krenim Timeship in "Year of Hell." So sad that the timeline immediately reset itself right after that. - Iceberg3k

Back to contents